Carry On My Wayward Googlers

It’s been a while since I checked my sitemeter to learn what clueless new moms, what semi-literate teens, what fetish-loving freaks of nature had stumbled upon my blog recently–and exactly which search terms got them here.

Hard Proof You Don’t Need a License to Procreate
Can any interesting thing happen during first trimester
No. Nothing.

When does a baby learn to speek
Just before learning to rite

How do you get through the first trimester?
Tragically, you may not. You may just be stuck there for years on end. Luck of the draw.

Worst times to drink when you’re pregnant.
I’d say before breakfast isn’t ideal.

Pregnancy 16.5 weeks
Because the advice for 17 week-ers is just not relevant?

How long do I have to wait to have sex after birth?
I waited 16 years. Some people wait longer. What’s important is that you use protection and that you convince yourself that he loves you.

How can I make my husband understand pregnancy hormones
Get a copy of the Girlfriend’s Guide to Pregnancy. Then beat him with it.

Can pregnant women eat soy sauce
No.

Can pregnant women eat corned beef
No.

25 weeks pregnant can I eat fries
No.

Bras for pregnant people
Not just women, mind you. All pregnant people.

8 week old baby and won’t sleep in his crib
The nerve! If he’s still refusing by 10 weeks I’d definitely take him back.

Smiling while pregnant
You must be one of those skinny ones.

Thanks To The Oedipal Set, I’ve Doubled My Readership
Pick-up lines for moms
“Hey baby, you’re so fine, how about I come over and clean your house while you go get a pedicure.”

Mom’s nasty night pictures
Poo explosions. Three of them. You want black and white or color?

Pregnancy sex slaves
At least you know you’ll be free after nine months.

Mom f*cked the babysitter
She paid her all in nickels again.

My mom got boobs
Will wonders never cease.

Where can I find big boobs?
Generally above the waist but below the chin. Occasionally below the waist though. And come to think of it, sometimes above the chin. I suppose it depends on the bra.

Pasties mom pic
Is this what you had in mind?

Now You Want to Talk Freak…
Like to mix honey nut cheerios regular cheerios
I think they have support groups for this kind of behavior.

Okay, But What Are You Really Looking For?
Innuendo spray

The much awaited product extension of Double-Entendre Mist.

Two a-holes
Try this site.

Small willy babysitter
I think it might be illegal to hire a childcare provider based on that criteria alone.

Sexy bangladeshi mom & hunt real by god
Um.

Tingly skin creatures
Eek.

Woman nose big pregnant girl
Huh?

Ingrown hair longest record image
Yep.

House house is a very very to be so
Okay.

Mrs foot smell
Is this like a new cartoon character?

It’s my belly button and the mommy will touch it
Oy.

hippie blas
The precursor to the yuppie blas?

Fruitless cake
So much in life is.

Entirely Random
Symptoms of leaving a tampon in
Well first there’s that string…

What does nanu mean?
That I’m old. I’m really, really old.

AARP membership
Not that old.

Woody Allen hates LA
I guess there’s a certain appeal to New York, where you can be the only man in the room with a woman 1/3 your age.

101 words tell a boyfriend that they are just so great
Oh sweetie, you might want to do it in four or five. Their attention spans just aren’t that long.

Propaghanda
Defn: The spread of misinformation by pacifists

Kenny Loggins souvenirs
Apparently, even Mrs. Loggins uses google

Only In America
Boys love farts
And sadly, so do the men they become.

Welthies guy in utah
And I’m sure you have a chance at him, dear.

Ann Coulter leggings
For some reason, this image makes me want to vomit

Hallmark poems for the dead
“Roses are red, and you’re dead so why am I even sending you this”

Susan Dey so what are you so afraid of
Just a guess, but… this?

You Talkin’ To Me?
http://mom-101.blogspot
You know, if you already know the url, you don’t have to type it into google, right?

{41 Comments}

41 thoughts on “Carry On My Wayward Googlers”

  1. Of everything I’ve written, the most-searched post was one about My Super Sweet Sixteen. Yeah, MTV, a staple of my blog!

  2. Jesus, you’re killing me. Good thing I’m sitting here by myself tonight, or my family would think I was a frigging nutjob with the sporadic outbursts of cackling laughter.This way, only my neighbors think so.Cool. Um.

  3. You get great searches and I loved your responses. Especially the one for Propaghanda.And my mom was on the internet for six months until she finally realized she didn’t have to type the address where she wanted to go to into Google. So maybe it was her.

  4. Liz, you crack me up. These were side splitters!And I have to say that this part…“http://mom-101.blogspotYou know, if you already know the url, you don’t have to type it into google, right?”…is so dead on!People will type my url in the damn google box and I just wonder if they have no clue where the address bar is!

  5. I’m laughing so hard, I just shot wine through my nose. I can’t decide which I like more, the things people looked for or your responses….ok you win. Every time I read one of these, I lose a little bit of faith in the human race.I agree with Suebob, you could be a freaking comic. I think Last Comic Standing may be hiring. 😉

  6. I am laughing so hard I am crying. I haven’t laughed this hard in a long time. How sad is that. You need to do stand up. Oh. My. God. Too funny.

  7. Okay, now there’s hot tea all over my laptop. Thanks.I am horribly obsessive about checking my google searches. It’s a sicknes for me.

  8. Did you hear that thump? That was me hitting the floor, and now I am rolling, clutching my sides, with a thin line of drool coming from the side of my mouth.Thanks for the laugh! I needed that.

  9. Leave it to you to elevate the standard Google-hit post into an art form. I haven’t laughed this hard in ages.

  10. Too funny!!!! Thanks for starting my weekend off with a laugh! This just might be your best post yet.

  11. Propaghanda—I thought this was a country in Africa…isn’t it th eone surrounded by South Africa?😉 <---- WinkyIn case you thought *I* was the one looking for the “welthies guy in utah.”I am LMAO here.I only get people looking for “pictures of Swiper” and “disgusting green.”Although ever since I posted my children’s book about autism…I’m getting lots of weird searches for brother and sister love. What’s up with that?

  12. That last part with the google ALWAYS happens to me. My page automatically opens up to Google so when I try typing in a website address, it gets jumped to the google search section and by the time I realized it, I already pressed return. Just sayin’. =)

  13. I’m peeing through my nose! Only thing funnier than this post are the stupid words they make you type for word verification.

  14. “It’s been a while since I checked my sitemeter”As someone who always has Statcounter open in a browser tab, this just doesn’t computer for me....oh the shame. I just realised that I stopped to refresh Statcounter, mid-comment.Maybe I should add “therapy” to my Christmas list?

  15. Thank you. I just came back from my uncle’s funeral and was feeling really, really down…that is, until I read this. You are ALL SORTS of funny.

  16. holy crap, you crack me up, lady. i’m beginning to get disturbed by how many people come to my site looking for “hot tilfs.” i think the weirdest one – which was actually sweet in a dorky way – was someone who googled “i miss you kari” and came to my site. should i be flattered or creeped out?

  17. ok, mrs foot smell. this means i need to go and see how people get to me. maybe i don’t want to know. oooh. yeah i do.

  18. Um, should I be embarassed about the Cherios thing?This made me laugh all the way through. You are too, too funny, Liz.And on having another girlbaby – you and yours are in my thoughts.

  19. Would ann coulter leggings be a pic of her in leggings, leggings knitted by her, or leggings with a picture of her ugly mug on them, to terrorize those at eye level, aka small children and pets? Or perhaps all three?

  20. “like to mix honey nut Cheerios with regular Cheerios”, now THAT is scary!!! Must go check the sitemeter and see what freaks are passing by my way!!!Carrie

  21. rock on with your bad self! Thanks for the laugh – I’m going to have to find a way to use ‘propaghanda’ in a sentence this week.

  22. I do not know how you get this site meter thingy to tell you what people search to arrive upon your blog… but I totally want one.This made me laugh so hard I choked on my tea and wound up spluttering it out all over my (non-ann-coulter) leggings.Double Entendre Mist…ROFLMAO….

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