A Match Made in Hell

Dear “Boutique Luxury Hotel,”

I’m sorry but it’s just not going to work out between us.

When I first heard about you, I was excited at the potential. Your website promised me “saucy sophistication and insanely attentive service,” and when we first met I found you easy on the eyes with a kind and welcoming demeanor. But there are a few problems with our relationship that I think just aren’t going to improve.

I can forgive the fact that you have no store, no newspapers and no minibar. I was disappointed at the glaring omission of grilled cheese on the room service menu, or that your promise to “wrap yourself in a copious bathrobe” was a hollow one, there being no bathrobe, copious or otherwise, to be found. But my first sign that something was truly amiss was the plumbing system whose shrill screech drowns out the sound of the TV anytime anyone in a 6 mile radius decides to bathe.

I had been looking forward to partaking in your “famous” Sunday brunch, especially after your promise that I would “join the glitterati and discerning business professionals who have discovered L.A.’s most stylish new address.” If by glitterati you mean the lone old man sucking on a chicken bone in the corner of the dining room while I wait 12 minutes for a waiter, until low blood sugar and the ravenous cravings of five months of pregnancy compel me to leave and dine elsewhere, then perhaps the issue was merely one of my own overinflated expectations.

The sense that we’re not communicating well is a troubling problem in our new relationship.

Me: I left my ATM card at home. Is there any chance you can cash a check?

You: No.

Me: Oh. Are you certain? I’m a guest at the hotel for the week and I don’t…

You: No. We don’t do that.

Me: Thanks for your help.

But the final straw is the smell of raw, stinking, fetid sewage that’s permeated the hallways since my arrival, keeping me hostage in my room until I’m forced to emerge; at which point I have no choice but to to traipse down the rear stairwell, to avoid the long, gag reflex-inducing walk down the hallway towards the elevator.

Your daily explanation for said raw, stinking, fetid smell of sewage? “We’re looking into it.”

But last night, my decision to leave you was solidified by the small matter of the toast.

If a member of your housekeeping staff feels the need to smear a piece of toasted bread a half-inch thick with butter and enjoy it while she cleans my room, perhaps she’d do best not to eat half of it and THEN LEAVE THE FUCKING THING SITTING ON TOP OF MY NEW SKIRT.

Ew.

And so, we’re through. I’m done. I’m leaving you.

It’s not me, it’s you.

And don’t call me again.

Also? Here’s a link to your crappy hotel. Because I have a blog and I can do that kind of thing.

Yours,
A woman scorned

—-

Update: Upon checkout, a perfectly nice man subbing for the absent (surprise) manager agreed the toast incident was disgusting, comped two of my three days, and explained the hotel had switched owners the week before and was “ironing out some kinks.” I suggested they get a very, very large iron.

Anyone have a contact at Shutters for me?

{71 Comments}

71 thoughts on “A Match Made in Hell”

  1. Wow! What a crappy hotel. I loved your beautifully written post describing it though. Thanks for the link. I’ll make sure to avoid that place if I’m ever in the area.

  2. That is….that is just, just, I have no words for what that is! Boutique hotel my ass–the website is VERY deceiving. I’m glad you were able to get out of there!

  3. Wow. Just…wow.You really have some knack for picking hotels in LA, you know? Good thing you’ll be living there soon and won’t have to worry about staying in a hotel.

  4. Unfreaking believable!!!If I were you (and not five months pregnant and nauseated by the smell of rotted sewer) I’d have hunted down that maid and well, I’d have probably ran in the other direction like the pansy I am, but I’d have wanted to slap her silly.Unbelievable!

  5. “The upscale LA enclave of Manhattan Beach” Pfft.You want upscale? That would be Laguna Beach, Newport Beach, Malibu, even Santa Monica. Manhattan Beach is where the, how do I say this delicately? The retards go? You’re not a retard lovey, you were just lied to. Welcome to the wide, wide wonderful world of Los Angeles.

  6. I overwhelmingly hope that you click on the “contact us” link on their website, do a little copy and paste dance of thise lovely letter, and hit “send”.

  7. I thought you were going to write about the movie, which I thought was truly awful. But wow, that hotel sounds much worse. I promise I’ll never stay there!

  8. Did you get a peek at the Bridal Suite? Yeah, nothing says Newlyweds like a ginormous picture of a chihuahua and a shag carpet.

  9. Even before you posted the link, I had already googled the insanely attentive service line and found them. Because that is how I am. I never knew that insanely attentive meant leaving greasy food piled on clothing. Learn something new every day!!

  10. Their website is awful. Who decided that giant photos of chihuahuas were fashionable? Barf.Sorry to hear about the bad experience!!

  11. Dear Woman Scorned,I am ashamed. I am ashamed of myself, and my ill-mannered maids. I am ashamed of the lies I have told in countless brochures and web ads. I am ashamed of the sewage – both in smell and sound.Your letter made me cry tears of guilt and agony. Please let me make it up to you. If you return, I promise you the maids will leave only tiny crumbs, rather than large, partially-eaten pieces of toasted goodness. I promise to get you a robe of some sort, even it is low-quality and guaranteed to give you a rash. And I promise the old man sucking on the chicken bone will be dressed to the nines and eager to take you dancing in the alley down the road.Won’t you reconsider? My shame implores me to make this right.Sincerely yours,Boutique Luxury Hotel

  12. Oh yuck! I hope you send this letter to them. I am gagging over the toast and I’m not even pregnant.I hope whatever hotel you moved to is actually insanely attentive.

  13. Ick, ick, ick!I wonder … if you just mentioned the hotel’s name in your post, this complaint would come up when the hotel is googled, no? As someone who (used to, and will again) travel to LA a lot, I know I’d appreciate finding this review!Hope your next hotel worked out MUCH better!

  14. First time reader of your blog here! I am shocked! I know where I am NOT staying when I’m in town…Nice blog!

  15. ew. ew. EW!that seriously sucks. i’m sorry. what’s up with the weird little dog everywhere? and that freaky statue in the restaurant? eek.my temporary housing, when i got this job, left me with a similar experience. frustrating, isn’t it?

  16. That’s pathetic. And I assume they weren’t charging bargain prices either?Did you at least complain LOUDLY to the manager etc.?The hotel looks awesome on their site I must admit…AD

  17. Oh Man! If this had happened to me in my 5th month of pregnancy, I would have been a raving beeyotch! Actually, I think my friendly veneer would have crumbled at the lack of grilled cheese! Damn! I hope that they are generous in their attempts to compensate you for this hell-on-earth experience.

  18. Wow.I actually know one of the managers at that hotel. He worked with me a few years ago.This post kind of makes me embarrassed for him. I’ll definitely give him the link to this post!

  19. I normally try to forgive hotels for not matching my high expectations, but have NEVER been able to do so while pregnant. Mad hormones and discomfort are a bad combination. My husband and I once stayed at a boutique hotel in San Francisco with screeching pipes and sounds like someone was banging a wrench against them. I insisted on a new room, and had to call downstairs every 10 minutes with impatience until we were moved to a better spot. That night I puked up spicy Asian soup all over the bathroom and left some unpleasant splatters behind. They deserved it. Bee-otch? – no doubt…. The toast on my skirt would have put me far, far over the edge.

  20. Thanks so much for sharing the Hotel name. I almost recommended that place to some friends!So, I’ll spread the word: The Belamar sucks.Blog revenge is so sweet.

  21. OH – that is just awful – you should have stayed here: http://www.seaview-inn.com/We stayed there when we were having our hardwood floors refinished and it was so nice. So relaxing. The owner also owns the Local Yolk resturant next door and they had great food and were so friendly! They even brought homemade muffins and fruit to the table for the kids BEFORE we even ordered anything!!! So nice!nexxt time…..

  22. MEOW! I love your style. You seem like the sort of person that could tell a person to go to hell and they would enjoy the journey.

  23. Yikes! What is up with that? You kind of expect a couple things to go wrong at a hotel, but wow! Also:- It’s amazing you’re five months along already!- I hope there isn’t a butter stain on your new skirt.

  24. God, the site looks fabulous. I think it’s great that you blew the whistle, because that confluence of hideous examples would be enough to put off even the most tolerant guest.And their use of “copious” was quite a stretch. What, did they pull out Roget’s Thesaurus and choose the most ostentatious-sounding synonym for “large”?

  25. Ah, dude, really? What a crappy way to be welcomed into the loving arms of the City of Angels. There’s only one solution to this:Trash the place. Pretend your Glenn Frey or Johnny Depp or something.

  26. I love it! I fucking love it! Take *that* Belamar hotel!!! I hope they see this. You’ve inspired me. I had a blow out with Hewlett Packard the other day. I was just going to write Asa Aarons, but now I may have to do a little online venting as well.

  27. I love it! I fucking love it! Take *that* Belamar hotel!!! I hope they see this. You’ve inspired me. I had a blow out with Hewlett Packard the other day. I was just going to write Asa Aarons, but now I may have to do a little online venting as well.

  28. YOU’RE BREAKING UP WITH ME?!? But, baby, what about all those good times we had? You know I was just trying to be the “bad boy” and win you over with my dangerous lifestyle and unique smell, right? It was all an act, baby! It killed me inside to ignore you at the front desk, but I thought it was what you wanted! That’s why I left you that toast… it was my little way of saying I was sorry. That guy in the restaurant was my uncle Larry! Once you got to know him, I’m sure you’d love him, that old rascal!Listen, I know that I made some mistakes, but let me make it up to you. I promise, if you give me another chance, I’ll leave a used glass in your room and misplace any messages I take for you.Deal?Signed and scorned,Boutique Luxury Hotel:)

  29. Oh, man, someone beat me to the whole “message from the hotel” schtick and they even did it better than I did. I’ve been shamed.Oh, well, good post… lousy situation. Hope it all works out for you, Mom-101!

  30. Brilliant! Will commence blacklisting them immediately.We have the same smell in our hallway here at work. The response from the building owners? It’s probably something dead in the walls. You’ll have to wait for it to decompose. Ass clowns.

  31. Holy god, they left food on your clothes? The worst thing that ever happened to me at a hotel was finding a used condom under the bed. Dis.gus.ting.

  32. But, the virtual photo tour says “experience the FABULOUSNESS”! (Is that even a word?)And those giant framed photos of Chihuahuas? The HELL? Craptacular!

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