Par-tayyyyy! Whoooo!

The fine folks responsible for the best-selling series of Zagat surveys, in their infinite wisdom, have sent me an email asking whether I’d be interested in rating Los Angeles nightlife for their upcoming publication.

Uh, okay.

Now I can honestly say that if they are looking to reviewers like me to rank the Los Angeles hotspots I’ve attended in the past year’s time, it will be a very thin volume indeed. To say nothing of the guide’s credibility. The fact is, I’m currently a) pregnant b) not drinking (much) c) too old, pale, and plagued with cellulite to get in anywhere good in L.A. Plus? I still have my own nose. Doesn’t this all automatically disqualify me from any sort of nightlife reviewer status?

Then again, Cindy Adams still does it and she’s like 104.

Still, I’m happy to help where I can. And so, I give you the Mom-101 2007 Guide to Los Angeles Nightlife As I Know It.

Note: this is not an excerpt. This is the complete thing. Any publishers out there reading? Shoot me an email. I smell a best-seller.

The Airport Westin Lobby Bar
This high energy lobby bar is the spot of choice for commercial pilots “with wedding rings in pockets,” uniformed soldiers “sucking down Jager,” and old people in wheelchairs bogarting the free buffet. Loud, indistinguishable pop tunes compliment the “watered-down drinks.” “Grab your laptop and a booth by the corner,” make use of the “free wi-fi,” and and avoid eye contact at all costs.

The Whiskey Bar at Sunset Marquis
“Fabulous,” “trendinista” WeHo bar still going strong after all these years “if you ever get past the velvet ropes.” Perfect for kicking back after a meeting, until 7pm when you head upstairs to for bed. Hot waitresses in “catsuits” reluctantly refill your free bowl of cheddar cheese goldfish while looking over your shoulder “for someone more important” to give your table to. “Shut up and drink your Chardonnay.”

Room 303 of the Belamar Hotel
Basic cable, a queen size bed, and “arty” chihuaha photos complete this “luxury boutique hotel” standard room where you can party the night away in total peace and solitude. The drinks should be free if you complain enough about “the smell, that awful smell” permeating the hallways, but won’t be. Porn selection “adequate,” if “overpriced.”

Aunt Fredda’s living room
“Quaint Santa Monica townhouse” provides quiet respite from famous people and cliched Pacific Ocean views. Management “extremely welcoming.” Wine is plentiful and conversation delightful–but “be prepared to leave covered in dog hair.” “Bring a lint roller and try the hummus.”

7th floor kitchen area of El Segundo-area ad agency
Oversize rustic picnic benches, exposed ductwork give this wide-open cement-floored kitchen area a “Flintstones meets Extreme Home Makeover, pre-makeover” feel. Food options limited to vending machine selections, non-dairy creamer, and occasional meeting leftovers: “Pray for CPK.” Booze is permitted but strictly BYO. Bonus: Open all night.

Driver’s seat of Hertz Rental Car
Bare bones environment enhanced by FM stereo, personal temperature controls. Raves about easy access to “fast food drive-thru windows along Sepulveda.” Lack of social interaction with others major drawback so “don’t forget your bluetooth headset.” Leave your garbage on the floor–“they’ll get it later.”

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Psst…feel free to stop over and wish Hally a very happy birthday. She knows Bono!

{30 Comments}

30 thoughts on “Par-tayyyyy! Whoooo!”

  1. This is how LA looks to me, too. It is pretty sad that my favorite bar is the Encounter at LAX (honest, it is cool).

  2. Ha! So funny. How about the elevator on the way up to the 7th floor. I can usually eat half my sandwich in between floors and meetings.

  3. Awesome! I’ve been meaning to check out Aunt Fredda’s living room…I’m definitely stopping by.“Adequate” is all you can ask for from porn. Anyone who tells you otherwise is lying.Or so I’m told.

  4. someone get the lady a contract, STAT!Very F. Funny. And also reassuring. It’s good to know that (apart from Britney) I’m not the only Mom for whom “nightlife” means Pay Per View and being kicked in the ribs at 3am.

  5. i think it’s the dog hair that makes aunt fredda’s hummus so unforgettable so definitely save the lint rolling for after the hors d’oeuvres. thanks for the other tips — can’t wait to try them out on my next trip! gee i love zagats!

  6. 7th floor kitchen area of El Segundo-area ad agency sounds vagely familiar. My version of it is titled, 23rd floor of building in Century City who took out all but one food place for “construction.” Commenly known as “Pray for CPK.” 🙂

  7. Oh my! I have an embarrassing admission… I used to be a cocktail waitress in a skintight charcoal catsuit, working at the Whiskey in the Sunset Marquis. NO JOKE. That was 13 years ago – are the uniforms the same? By the way, the day I quit, was the day I was knocked over by a drunk lout, while straining with a tray full of red wine. I managed to spill it all, over two ladies in Chanel suits….hee he

  8. Oh Mrs Green, how wonderful! I’m sure then you tended to my every goldfish need way back then when I was younger, thinner, and slightly more at home at the always-reserved-for-someone tables. I’ve spent way too many nights there. I’d love to hear the Rande Dish sometime…

  9. I’m a tad bit envious!!!! Forget the fact that you can’t drink (kinda)and still have your real nose….and the whole old, pale and cellulite thing…SOmeone thought that you were still “cool”enough to do it. I don’t know if I have ever hit that level of coolness on any form of my radar.I was a VIP at most bars in my day but …we are talking a town in TEJAS…you…fab, hip bloggster rank in the LA clubs. you win todays award for coolness :}

  10. Rande Gerber Dish? I’ve got it! Those were the days that Cindy was supposed to be ‘married’ to Mr. Gere. Hah!

  11. Best reviews I’ve read in years! You mentioned you do have your own nose but do you at least have a mega sized boob job? That MUST be a requirement to become a nightspot reviewer… I thought it was a requirement to even live in LA but maybe I’m wrong:-)Or perhaps you should start hanging out more at the cool hot spots? Maybe they have free wifi in some places so you can blog?AD

  12. I just totally snorted coffee out my nose laughing at this.Does that make me uncool enough? Do you think they’ll let me review the happening hotspots at this beach resort town?

  13. Oh and ps, I’ll see your paleness, absence of plastic surgery, and cellulite and raise you a series of forehead wrinkles that can be seen from space.

  14. Oh, but you left out Ralph’s Open 24 Hours Supermarket between Hazeltine and Murietta on Ventura Boulevard in Sherman Oaks, where I spent many bizarre hours — and Fry’s Electronics – well.. they’re only open until nine but it’s lots more fun than Ralph’s Or EVEN the Westin Airport Lobby Bar (and yes I’ve actually been there!)

  15. Hi Mom101,We at Zagat Survey attempt to get the most well-rounded, thereby accurate, reviews of restaurants, nightlife hotspots, hotels and the like.Though we welcome everyone with an interest in dining out and/or going out to clubs, bars and lounges, we sometimes reach out to people who don’t necessarily enjoy those things as much as others.But I think we’d rather reach out to more people than less, allowing us to acheive a more accurate pool of reviews/ratings.If you don’t feel the need to vote for nightlife hotspots, we hope you will vote for restaurants, hotels/resorts/spas, and attractions in LA or other cities you are familar with by going to http://www.zagat.com.Perhaps you would be interested in taking part in our latest Fast Food Survey that was featured on the Today Show yesterday and that is now available on Zagat.com.Thank you,Michael MahleManager, Corporate CommunicationsZagat Survey

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