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What I Did Not Do Last Week in LA


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-Canoodle with George Clooney. Or George Foreman for that matter

-Share a Pinks hot dog with Pamela Anderson

-Go underwear shopping with Britney Spears

-Eat dinner out of my hotel room once

-Pull up next to Paris Hilton’s new Bentley convertible, and show her how the gas gage works

-Call anyone I knew in an attempt to socialize

-Score tickets to an impromptu David Bowie jam at a small club in Los Feliz

-Stay awake to catch the last 20 minutes of Jesus Camp on pay per view (So what happens at the end? Does the rapture come? Does the mullet kid make it to heaven? Do all the Jews get annihilated? I must know!)

-Get close enough to Joan Collins to see the frightening contrast between her face and neck

-Sleep past 5 am

-Score an invitation to the Golden Globes

I did however get to witness this very awesome conversation between a woman who pushed her way to the front of the half-hour line at the LAX Burger King (But I’m late! My plane is already boarding–you must let me through!) and the girl at the register.

“I’m late for my flight. What can you make for me quickly?”

“What would you like, ma’am?”

“Well a sandwich of some sort for the plane.”

“A breakfast sandwich?”

“Just a chicken sandwich would be fine, thanks. No lettuce.”

“I’m sorry, it’s breakfast until 10:30.”

“So no chicken sandwiches?”


“I can’t just get a chicken sandwich?”



“Yes ma’am, I’m sorry. It’s only 7:15 and we’re still serving breakfast.”

“Okay, then. I’ll have a burger.”

“I’m sorry ma’am no burgers. It’s breakfast time.”

“Can I have cheese on it?”

“I’m sorry – we don’t have burgers until 10:30.

“No burgers? But this is Burger King. Absurd.”

“Would you like a breakfast sandwich?”

“Can I get a burger on it?”

“No ma’am. Just what we have on our breakfast sandwiches.”

She sighs audibly and looks around at the crowd–the crowd of people who let her cut in line in the first place–searching fruitlessly for sympathy.

“Okay then, how about chicken. Can’t you just put that on the biscuit?”

“No ma’am.”

“I’m late for my flight. We’re already boarding. I just wanted a sandwich.”

“Why don’t I get you a breakast sandwich.”

“I suppose that will have to do. Such a shame.”


Here’s what I did do when I got home:

Opened my door to find a squealing, beaming, gorgeous little 18 month old girl running toward me screaming, HAPPY! HAPPY!

Ain’t motherhood grand?

24 shards of brilliance… read them below or add one

Kyran January 13, 2007 at 3:04 pm

it sounds like a robert altman film, in negative.did you start humming “Little Fat Man” next to the obnoxious sandwich lady?


Kate January 13, 2007 at 3:29 pm

When you’re as pregnant as you are, it kind of takes the fun out of doing all those “L.A.” things dosn’t it?And how cute about your daughter — it makes it all worth it when they give you a greeting like that! Now if they would only stay that way through the teenage years….


Much More Than A Mom January 13, 2007 at 3:46 pm

Happy! As much as I don’t want him to grow up, I am so looking forward to hearing Rylan say “I love you, mama” and now, “Happy!”Welcome home ~ I’m glad your prego self made the trip safely. Even if your hotel was a dive.


tracey clark January 13, 2007 at 4:26 pm

Happy happy indeed. But damn it girl, I wanted to see your pregnant self while you were here!


Asha January 13, 2007 at 6:17 pm

Isn’t business travel just AWESOME? Sometimes you catch of glimpse of the world in all its splendor, and sometimes you get the Chicken Lady.Welcome home.


B January 13, 2007 at 7:12 pm

Yes, truly a damn shame about no chicken at 7:15 a.m. I think after the trip you had, I would have throat chopped that woman.


andi January 13, 2007 at 9:04 pm

The excited hugs and the look on their little faces when you enter a room after being absent are so much better than burgers and chicken sandwiches, aren’t they? I will never grown tired of those energetic hugs…


nonlineargirl January 13, 2007 at 10:27 pm

Nice to be home, isn’t it?


gingajoy January 13, 2007 at 10:29 pm

impromptu Bowie gig? Man, that would have made my millenium. And he was Sixty this weekend, did you know? I have a thing for a sixty year old. yup.Glad the homecoming was lovely:) When you moving?


sarah doow January 13, 2007 at 10:45 pm

Wow, that must be the second best welcome home possible. George Clooney doing the same thing being the first of course.


Lady M January 13, 2007 at 10:59 pm

Hotel rooms and conference rooms – so exciting! The Burger King girl was amazingly patient, as was the rest of the line.


Rachel January 13, 2007 at 11:12 pm

All the worst things about LA are concentrated at LAX. That Burger King scene is classic. Too many people here have an overdeveloped sense of entitlement. Ugh.


Chase January 13, 2007 at 11:16 pm

Now I want a chicken biscuit.


wine makes mummy clever January 14, 2007 at 9:04 am

Why do people in a hurry think they’re entitled to our sympathy and understanding? My favourite saying in the world is “if you’re looking for sympathy, sweetheart, you’ll find it in the dictionary between ‘shit’ and ‘syphilis.’”


Redneck Mommy January 14, 2007 at 6:16 pm

You are a lucky woman.When I come home from a trip, my lovely children roll their eyes and whine about me coming home soooo soooooon.I’ve taken to reminding my ungrateful chitlens that I squeezed them out of my vajay-jay after untold hours of pain and agony and that they must worship me.So far, they are not listening…


Stacy January 14, 2007 at 11:07 pm

There’s nothing like the love of a little one. Don’t you wish you could just eat her up?!Welcome home.


Virtualsprite January 15, 2007 at 2:09 am

Coming home to those smiles always makes a bad trip a distant memory. Welcome back!


AdventureDad January 15, 2007 at 10:13 am

LA trolls… What, no date with Clooney? AD


J at www.jellyjules.com January 15, 2007 at 4:21 pm

I’m sad about Clooney, CRUSHED about Bowie, and loving that woman for being so FULL OF HERSELF, and the BK woman, for keeping calm. Amazing.Motherhood is indeed grand. :)


Sandra January 15, 2007 at 9:05 pm

Happy happy indeed. Next time you’ve got to schedule some George canoodling though to make the trip more fun.


Y January 16, 2007 at 4:07 am

Um, you forgot “have coffee with Y”But, whatevs.


Anonymous January 16, 2007 at 4:14 am

That means you missed mullet boy having a conversation with none other than Ted Haggard, when he was still leading a congregation and gay-bashing.


Cheryl January 16, 2007 at 3:41 pm

What a terrific way to come home! I’m surprised the chicken lady even knew when her flight was boarding.


ster January 16, 2007 at 11:13 pm

i did all the things you didn’t, LOLyou should have tripped that bitch. the burger king one.


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