Yes, I’m the 6,459,875th person to weigh in here. But what else is a blog if not an opportunity for everyone with an opinion to disseminate it amongst the masses? And so, back by popular demand (i.e. one person asking me if I’d do this again), I present the awards I wish they’d given out last night:
Best use of dead animals as a cosmetic – Kirsten Dunst whose lips came courtesy of the blood of some roadkill snatched off the 110 on the way to the show
Most overlooked agent – E! Preshow host Ryan Seacrests’ agent who should have been thanked more profoundly than any other.
It’s Hard Out Here for a Pimp tribute award– Ellen Degeneres. While I’m of the belief that she should wear what makes her comfortable, a maroon velour suit by Juicy Couture couldn’t have been the only option. At least she could have accesorized with a white fedora to match the shoes and worked the theme.
Most likely to find a cure for narcolepsy – The producers who decided to put all the technical awards up front this year and make us wait two hours for awards important enough that the winners don’t get their speeches cut off by the orchestra after four seconds.
Biggest letdown – Naomi Watts, pregnant, glowing and spectacularly gorgeous. Thanks for selling us all out, beeeeeyatch.
Most surprising cameo – Captain Kirk’s jacket, around the shoulders of Jennifer Hudson.
Least surprising loss – Eddie Murphy. Dude, you can’t drive past a Norbit poster on the way to the Oscars and really expect that the academy is ready to take you seriously as an actor, right?
Most likely to get legions of anorexic girls to hit the nearest Mickey D’s – Debi Matenopolous’ preshow quip about not eating. It’s about time the skin ‘n bones set had a totally unappealing spokesperson at its helm.
Best writing: George Clooney’s line: “I was just drinking backstage with Nicholson and Gore…I don’t think he’s running for President.”
Best writing, runner up: Ellen Degeneres’ introduction of Phillip Seymour Hoffman as “People Magazine’s sexiest man in America to play Truman Capote.”
Cruelest message board discussion – Speculations about 7 year old Jaden Smith’s mental abilities after stumbling over the teleprompter script. I chalk it up to age. And being blinded by the shine off Nicholson’s head.
Most likely to have the nursery decorated upon conception – J Lo, already sporting some rockin’ maternity duds.
Most disturbing mental image of the night – Ryan Seacrest asking whether Helen Mirren “has a dirty side.”
Most disappointing loss: Robert Altman, RIP
Most long-awaited acceptance speech – Al Gore’s. Hopefully the directors of Jesus Camp won’t demand a recount.