Third Annual Morning-After Oscars Recap

Do they give out awards for most boring award show of all time?

No?

Okay, then how about these…

Best Achievement in Special Effects: Lisa Rinna’s Lips

The Sofia Coppola in Godfather III Commemorative Award for Casting: Kimora Lee Simmons doing fashion commentary for E! Entertainment. What, they couldn’t get Cher?

Name Destined to Start Appearing On Baby-Naming Websites Today: Saoirise

Lifetime Achievement Award, Foreign: Nicole Kidman’s plastic surgeon.

Most Esoteric Segment – A cinematic tribute to periscopes and binoculars, which narrowly edged out the second place contender, a cinematic tribute to spectacles and pocket watches.

Best Costuming: Cameron Diaz, playing a high school girl with tan lines dressed for prom.

Most Uncomfortable if Not Quite Painful Sell-Out: Jerry Seinfeld presenting as an animated bee.

Best Preshow Adlib: Ryan Seacrest waving off the creepy, Jennifer Garner-groping Gary Busey with, “I’ll talk to you later…I’ll see you at, um, that party…um, you know the one…”

Last Person I’d Expect To Give an Award To: Ryan Seacrest

Best Oh No He Di-Int Moment: Jon Stewart on Norbit’s Best Makeup nomination, “Too often the Academy ignores films that are not good.”

Best Oh No She Di-Int Moment: Jennifer Hudson’s stylist

Best Candidates for Hosting Next Year’s Oscars: Seth Rogen and Jonah Hill

Best Impression of Weird, Aloof, Socially-Awkward, Brilliant, Tortured Artists Who Shouldn’t Change a Thing: Joel and Ethan Coen

Lifetime Achievement Award, U.S.: Sarah Larson.

{37 Comments}

37 thoughts on “Third Annual Morning-After Oscars Recap”

  1. Yeah, Nicole Kidman needs an intervention. My fav fashion faux pas was Clooney. When he was giving out his award, half his tux was sparkling like crazy – all the bronzer from his date’s bare shoulders had rubbed off on his chest(glad your post has a pic to demonstrate – convenient). The show was a snooze but my God I’d sit through it again just to see the couple from <>Once<> win and give their speeches. Make art! Make art! <>Once<> was the movie of the year.

  2. Ugh, it was painful. And I even actually saw a few of the movies up for awards this season. You forgot one award, though – Best Pregnancy Comment Comeback: Cate Blanchett after Ryan Seacrest thought she was going to give birth on the red carpet – “with your third you just pop earlier and look bigger” (or something like that. Foot in mouth, Ryan! Although overall, he was pretty good.

  3. Did you not find it awkward watching Kristen Chenoweth singing Amy Adams’s big number? I love Kristen, but I would have been pissed if I were Amy, watching her take over my biggest movie moment at the OSCARS. Hello. They should have given Kristen the “Happy Clean Up Song.”

  4. Once, I agree! An authentic movie, an authentic moment for true artists! And what about Daniel Day Lewis. He’s gorgeous and thoughtful. And the screenwriter of June, tattas and all. I was happy!Bonnie

  5. I finally gave up watching these award shows since I never, ever see any of these movies. That movie, “no country for old men?” I thought that was the one about two elderly guys who decide to live their last few months being adventurous. I know, I’m hopeless.

  6. Damn Blogger ate my comment.It was something about wanting a George to take home and a joke about the Coen brothers inability to smile. Not a good joke, but still..

  7. and yet, all the awfulness was made okay by my love for diablo cody. by this time next year, we might all be up for oscars. oh, but do we need to get tattoos first? my derm said i can’t i have one, so maybe i’m going to be left out.*pouts*

  8. Oddest moment..Kimora Lee Simmons making nasty remarks about how Heidi Klum looked…and then late people trying to make up for it by explaining that her dress was being sold for the HEart Association after the Oscars. Oops! Kimora

  9. Anon 7:35: YES!!!! I actually wrote it down – she said that she was surprised that she’d try to pair pink accessories with a red dress. I’m like dude, it’s worlwide FASHION ICON Heidi Klum. Guaranteed she’s six months ahead of the curve, while Baby Phat is six months behind. Bling bling.

  10. I don’t understand the Sarah Larson.I mean, I was available. Why George, whhhhhyyy?But Gary Busey made me smile. Reminded me of my creepy uncles and a certain brother inlaw I have…

  11. Boring is right. So glad you mentioned the Bee thing. Let’s not forget the “bee montage.” wtf?My mini-awards:Achievement for Making Me Want to Do Him the Moment He THarted THpeaking THpanish: Javier Bardem.Best Hug: Marion Cotillard snuggling into Forest Whitaker.The “Rock Hudson of Our Time” Award: George Clooney.Best Achievement in Special Effects (other nominees): John Travolta’s hair, Jennifer Hudson’s uni-boob, and Keith Urban’s high-lights.

  12. Stefania, were you on my message board last night? I totally had a fight with someone about that Rock Hudson line. No WAY and no HOW is that man gay. Travolta now…maybe.

  13. Mom-101, HA! Yeah, that was me. No, no it wasn’t. What message board was that? Sounds right up my alley. George is hawt and I would do him in a hot second. If he would have me. Which he wouldn’t because he is gay. Let’s review:1. unable to commit, constant string of laydeez on his arm2. perma-tan3. starting to make only “jodie foster movies” where he is a lone wolf–unattached, no spouse, no love interest, no family.4. house on lake comoGAY.

  14. Saoirse is lovely, Gaelic for freedom. But I worry about Americans trying to pronounce much Gaelic…I have friend named Aoife (say Eee-fa, a version of Eva) and she is constantly met with “A-oaf,” “O-fee,” and worse.

  15. I agree with Melissa, I’m famous for butchering names and couldn’t pronounce Saoirse even after it’s been pronounced FOR ME REPEATEDLY.How about and award for Best, Sweetest Acceptance Speech That Almost Didn’t Get To Be by Marketa Irglova?!

  16. And wasn’t it weird that the Coen Brothers won for best writing and then Joel gave the most incoherent speech and Ethan, when given his chance only grimaced and grunted?Sort of like giving the best tan award to Tilda Swinton.Yikes.

  17. So, it’s Seth RogEn and JonAH Hill, but I’m only saying that because I laughed out loud at the idea of them presenting the Oscars. Also because you are fantastic.

  18. Ha thanks obviousI’d hate for them to google their own names and not arrive here. (Or for Jonah to think that I thought he was Austrian.)

  19. I turned it on when the giant Wii took over the stage and couldn’t stomach any more.Thanks for the hilarious recap! Glad to see I missed nothing – just as I thought.

  20. That was brilliant.I loved the Oscars. Am I the only one? Of course, I was reading blogs and talking on the phone while I watched so maybe that made it a bit less dull.I vow to be more present in my future Oscar watching so I won’t miss great Ryan Seacrest moments.That clip is awesome.

  21. jon stewart made me laugh a few times, like when he said usually when there’s a woman or black man in the oval office, an asteroid is about to hit the earth.

  22. First off, thank for the recap! If only you were there to hand out the awards. Could have made the whole thing more interesting!Oh and I watched it via Tivo (to skip through all the boring parts…oooooh so many boring parts….zzzzzz) and I think it makes for a much better show.But I have to ask…Why do they refuse to accept it being a THREE AND A HALF HOUR show? They always schedule it for 3 hours and yet, every year it goes way over. Is it denial? Just be honest with us people. We accept that it is 3 1/2 hours (okay so over 4 when you count the red carpet preening) of our lives we won’t get back. And that’s okay. We will still love you. …well <>maybe<> I’ll still love you, I am pretty fickle come to think of it.

  23. Okay, if these were the awards they actually handed out, I would watch. I just passed on the whole thing…seemed too BORING this year. From the sound of it, I didn’t miss much at all.

  24. I’m so late to this, but I’m in total agreement with Izzy. I have a mad crush on Seth Rogen. Just…yummy.

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