MILF gifts you can’t resist. Making fun of.

Lately I’ve been privvy to all sorts of pitches at Cool Mom Picks that uh, seem more intended for the Mominatrix than for me. While I didn’t have the privilege of opening an unsolicited sex toy in front of my kids, I have gotten a few that make me wonder whether Cision is now offering public relations folks a MILF list.

Which, of course, I’m happy to be on. 

Today, it was pornographic Silly Bandz. Last week, it was bathing suit called the Bottle Betty. Because nothing screams “mom” like a very, very small bathing suit with bottle openers built right in.

I thought as a break from writing ads that get killed by clients anyway, I’d crank one out for Bottle Betty,  inspired by some amusing back-channel emails with Kristen, Julie, Christina and Mir.

 BOTTLE BETTY

“Role Model” :45 TV
Dec 13, 2010
(We open on a hot woman in her mid-20s, lounging poolside in a white bikini surrounded by hot young pool boys. She speaks to camera as we pan in slowly.)
HOT MOM: When my husband suggested he wanted to have a baby I thought, what? You’re 84. 
(whispering) But so rich.
So I did what any woman would do: Found a surrogate. And two good nannies. 

(Cut to a baby nurse and a nanny holding a clipboard, pushing the baby in a pram under a shade tree nearby.)

That way parenting wouldn’t have to interfere with my lifestyle–or my figure. 

(Cut back to Hot Mom.)

That’s why I love the Bottle Betty Bikini, the two-opener two-piece. It’s got two bottle openers built right in. One in the top, one in the bottom. You know how I like it in the bottom. 

It’s a great reminder that hey, just because I’m a mom doesn’t mean I still can’t attend Spring Break keggers in a teeny bikini and ask cute college Freshmen to stick their…bottles…between my breasts.

(She now looks at the camera earnestly)

One day, maybe 3 years from now, I’ll be able to teach little Brooklynne Emily to open my beers for me. Until then, I’m so glad to have the Bottle Betty.

(Cut to end treatment mnemonic: Tight shot of a woman’s chest in the Bottle Betty bikini top, as a beer bottle enters frame from bottom, slowly rising upward against her cleavage. Cut to title and tag line.)

 SUPER:  The Bottle Betty.

 Made for moms like you. And Snooki.

For some gift ideas you might actually like, have you checked out the Cool Mom Picks holiday gift guide yet? How about the Cool Mom Tech gift guide? More than 200 total gift ideas, and no bikinis. (And have you seen what we’re giving away to folks who help us spread the word about it? Yowza!)

{28 Comments}

28 thoughts on “MILF gifts you can’t resist. Making fun of.”

  1. You are hilarious and there is no way I'd wear this…way too classy lol

    Crikey

  2. Do the bottle openers also act as Hip Fat Removers? So when I put the bikini bottom on and all that mushy flesh smooshes through that opening like spilled popover dough, does it trim the fat?

    If so, then I need a linky to place an order STAT.

  3. Sure I should be hopping in the car to head over to San Francisco right now, but there are posts like these that glue me to my computer. Funny funny. And, the silly bandz pitch this morning, I guess I missed out because I deleted when I saw the subject line 🙂

  4. I don't understand the problem, I think moms would appreciate a multi-tasking piece of clothing cuz we're so busy and all. Regarding the silly bandz, frankly some already look that way, so guess it was only a matter of time 🙂

    I give it a week before someone does a youtube parody, then another before a commercial comes on for real, cuz those ad people… 🙂

  5. That's a great commercial – almost perfect! But at the end, when the bottle is in her cleavage opener, it should have been shaken up first so when she opens it, well, you know.

  6. Excellent advertising. Now, listen: if someone sends you a bikini with a built-in carrot peeler, or maybe an apple slicer, could you let me know? I'm looking to outsource those chores.

  7. This is hilarious. I also got that Silly Bandz for grown-up pitch. “Why let kids have all the fun?” WTF?

    I must confess, I got my brother a bottle opener t-shirt from ThinkGeek but that one is pure class. He also has bottle opener flip flops. Yeah, he likes his beer. In bottles.

  8. I made it through til I got here:

    You know how I like it in the bottom.

    And then I just woke the baby up laughing.

    Of course, I just use my actual boobs to open my bottles, so really, this is pointless.

  9. Duh. I've been wondering why I've never felt comfortable in a bikini. Clearly it's because I've only tried on ones that aren't practical! That don't have a purpose! If only I had one that OPENED BEER BOTTLES. This is obviously the quality that was lacking in every bathing suit I tried on!

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