For the first time in five years, I had considered forgoing my big ol’ annual Monday morning post-Oscars wrap-up. The show was that uninspiring.
Also, Twitter ruined everything.
Yes, I had a fun little quip about Sharon Stone wearing a head on her head. I still like that one.
I jotted something about Colin Quinn winning for best art direction–and then was told by Scott Rosann someone beat me to it on Twitter. I tweeted something about how bad the show was tanking, that they had enlisted two waiters to present–then saw Heather Spohr tweet the same about Josh Brolin and Javier Bardem. I joked about Christian Bale going for Unibomber Chic and then was told that of course, Marinka was all over that.
In other words, my jokes are totally hack. If you want to know why I never went into stand-up, there you go.
Well, that and the flop sweat.
(Hey, at least I didn’t get into James Franco’s pot dealer. Because then I’d be competing with Andy Borowitz.)
Still, there are a few awards I would like to give. Even if you’ve already seen them. On Twitter.
The Benjamin Button Award for Achievement in Special Effects: Marisa Tomei’s dress which aged her 15 years in one minute.
Biggest Upset: Helena Bonham-Carter, who was better dressed than Marisa Tomei.
Best Live Action Short: Luke Metheny’s acceptance speech for Live Action Short.
The Homer J Simpson D’Oh Award: Ryan Seacrest asking Steven Spielberg, “have you been here a lot?”
Best Performance by an Actress in a Comedy: James Franco’s Grandma
Best Audition for Memoirs of a Geisha 2: The Geisha Gets Married in a Ridiculous Dress: Nicole Kidman
The Walt Disney Movie Magic Award: Inception, which directed itself.
Farrah Fawcett Commemorative Award for Noticeable Absence from the Death Montage: The interpretive break dance numbers from the 2010 Oscars. RIP.
Best Cameo: Alec Baldwin’s Ambien
Best Achievement in Editing: Autotune the News
Best Achievement in Animation: Not James Franco
Biggest Winner: Whatever lavender thingie was on Mila Kunis’s boobs. Millions of men (and women) wanted to be you last night.
Biggest Loser: Anyone who sat through the show until the end without Twitter.
Best Candidate for Hosting Next Year’s Oscars: Robert Downey Jr. Oh please?