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Sixth Annual Monday Morning Oscars Wrap-Up

For the first time in five years, I had considered forgoing my big ol’ annual Monday morning post-Oscars wrap-up. The show was that uninspiring.

Also, Twitter ruined everything.

Yes, I had a fun little quip about Sharon Stone wearing a head on her head. I still like that one.

I jotted something about Colin Quinn winning for best art direction–and then was told by Scott Rosann someone beat me to it on Twitter.  I tweeted something about how bad the show was tanking, that they had enlisted two waiters to present–then saw Heather Spohr tweet the same about Josh Brolin and Javier Bardem. I joked about Christian Bale going for Unibomber Chic and then was told that of course, Marinka was all over that.

In other words, my jokes are totally hack. If you want to know why I never went into stand-up, there you go.

Well, that and the flop sweat.

(Hey, at least I didn’t get into James Franco’s pot dealer. Because then I’d be competing with Andy Borowitz.)

Still, there are a few awards I would like to give. Even if you’ve already seen them. On Twitter.

The Benjamin Button Award for Achievement in Special Effects: Marisa Tomei’s dress which aged her 15 years in one minute.

Biggest Upset: Helena Bonham-Carter, who was better dressed than Marisa Tomei.

Best Live Action Short: Luke Metheny’s acceptance speech for Live Action Short.

The Homer J Simpson D’Oh Award: Ryan Seacrest asking Steven Spielberg, “have you been here a lot?”

Best Performance by an Actress in a Comedy: James Franco’s Grandma

Best Audition for Memoirs of a Geisha 2: The Geisha Gets Married in a Ridiculous Dress: Nicole Kidman

The Walt Disney Movie Magic Award: Inception, which directed itself.

Farrah Fawcett Commemorative Award for Noticeable Absence from the Death Montage: The interpretive break dance numbers from the 2010 Oscars. RIP.

Best Cameo: Alec Baldwin’s Ambien

Best Achievement in Editing: Autotune the News

Best Achievement in Animation: Not James Franco

Biggest Winner: Whatever lavender thingie was on Mila Kunis’s boobs. Millions of men (and women) wanted to be you last night.

Biggest Loser: Anyone who sat through the show until the end without Twitter.

Best Candidate for Hosting Next Year’s Oscars: Robert Downey Jr.  Oh please?

{ 20 comments… add one }

  • Meg Waite Clayton 2.28.2011, 4:16 pm

    >Biggest Upset: Helena Bonham-Carter, who was better dressed than Marisa Tomei.

    She looked gorgeous!

  • The Dalai Mama 2.28.2011, 4:28 pm

    James Franco's pot dealer was also a winner. He must be out of product. Pot appears to be recession proof.

  • Krista 2.28.2011, 5:03 pm

    Luke Metheny (Live Action Short) was the highlight of the night for me… funny and sweet. And your proposal for RDJ hosting next year…. I second that!

  • Marinka 2.28.2011, 5:11 pm

    I need Charlie Sheen to host this snoozefest next year. Please.

  • Amanda 2.28.2011, 5:12 pm

    I miss being on the West Coast where it wasn't so painful to stay up.

  • Amelia Sprout 2.28.2011, 5:13 pm

    That Luke kid was adorable! I want him to win more stuff.
    James Franco's grandma sort of made my night. Especially with Mark Wahlberg mock taking off his shirt. I wish he had… mmmm…

  • Wink 2.28.2011, 5:53 pm

    RDJr and Jude Law, FTW!

  • AlyGatr 2.28.2011, 7:26 pm

    What did we do before Twitter? I got a whole evening back, went to bed on time and still found out who won in a year I could have cared less who won.

  • SUEB0B 2.28.2011, 9:17 pm

    Is Nicole Kidman undead?

  • karen 2.28.2011, 9:45 pm

    I would like to be the ham in a Robert Downey Jr./Jude Law sandwich.

  • Muskrat 3.01.2011, 12:58 am

    I wish every day could be “Twitter during the Oscars” day.

  • Lucy The Valiant 3.01.2011, 5:00 am

    Robert Downey Jr., UM YES PLEASE!

  • suzanne @ pretty*swell 3.01.2011, 2:24 pm

    RDJ – yes! He would be a brilliant host. Love your recap — especially “head on a head.”

  • The Mommy Therapy 3.01.2011, 4:21 pm

    I was bored out of my mind.

    Tragically this is my first Oscars without the aid of DVR, which made it all the more painful. I bailed after 1.5 hours.

    Anything with RDJ would be worth watching.

  • one hungry mama 3.02.2011, 1:31 am

    if you ask me, there's something particularly funny about your wrap up this year! i laughed out loud thinking about everyone making the same jokes. funny jokes! certainly funnier than the show itself.

    ok. i admit that i'm an easy laugh. but you — and many others — had me rolling on oscar night. you all saved the show, with only a handful of jokes. :-) and this post has me chuckling again. so thank you for coming through again this year!

  • About Last Weekend 3.02.2011, 4:14 am

    Didn't see any of it. But can see from that pic that pretend ginger Nicole Kidman looked even more alien than usual with the Frozen River face …and hair.

  • Holly 3.02.2011, 5:11 am

    Tweeting was the best part of the Oscars broadcast. It was uber predictable.

  • Paul S. Gumbinner 3.02.2011, 3:13 pm

    I especially like your comments about Nicole Kidman (still insipid) and Mila What's her name. As to the later, after I saw her the fourth or fifth time I think it was some kind of bra extension – one of the few things which held my attention all evening. I did love Natalie Portman's acceptance; it was genuine and sweet. But your comments summed it up perfectly.

  • mannahattamamma.com 3.03.2011, 5:33 pm

    Well, maybe Twitter could host? Barring that, someone (probably on twitter, hell, maybe it was you? Yes, for the sake of argument, I'll say it was you. Unless it was that damn quippy Marinka)–anyway, let's get Tina Fey to WRITE the damn thing. And then have Sandra Bullock host. With maybe Robert Downey doing the occasional strip tease during the musical numbers? Just a thought. For your consideration.

  • Elena 3.06.2011, 4:23 pm

    I loved Natalie Portman, it is my new favourite.

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