Sixth Annual Monday Morning Oscars Wrap-Up

For the first time in five years, I had considered forgoing my big ol’ annual Monday morning post-Oscars wrap-up. The show was that uninspiring.

Also, Twitter ruined everything.

Yes, I had a fun little quip about Sharon Stone wearing a head on her head. I still like that one.

I jotted something about Colin Quinn winning for best art direction–and then was told by Scott Rosann someone beat me to it on Twitter.  I tweeted something about how bad the show was tanking, that they had enlisted two waiters to present–then saw Heather Spohr tweet the same about Josh Brolin and Javier Bardem. I joked about Christian Bale going for Unibomber Chic and then was told that of course, Marinka was all over that.

In other words, my jokes are totally hack. If you want to know why I never went into stand-up, there you go.

Well, that and the flop sweat.

(Hey, at least I didn’t get into James Franco’s pot dealer. Because then I’d be competing with Andy Borowitz.)

Still, there are a few awards I would like to give. Even if you’ve already seen them. On Twitter.

The Benjamin Button Award for Achievement in Special Effects: Marisa Tomei’s dress which aged her 15 years in one minute.

Biggest Upset: Helena Bonham-Carter, who was better dressed than Marisa Tomei.

Best Live Action Short: Luke Metheny’s acceptance speech for Live Action Short.

The Homer J Simpson D’Oh Award: Ryan Seacrest asking Steven Spielberg, “have you been here a lot?”

Best Performance by an Actress in a Comedy: James Franco’s Grandma

Best Audition for Memoirs of a Geisha 2: The Geisha Gets Married in a Ridiculous Dress: Nicole Kidman

The Walt Disney Movie Magic Award: Inception, which directed itself.

Farrah Fawcett Commemorative Award for Noticeable Absence from the Death Montage: The interpretive break dance numbers from the 2010 Oscars. RIP.

Best Cameo: Alec Baldwin’s Ambien

Best Achievement in Editing: Autotune the News

Best Achievement in Animation: Not James Franco

Biggest Winner: Whatever lavender thingie was on Mila Kunis’s boobs. Millions of men (and women) wanted to be you last night.

Biggest Loser: Anyone who sat through the show until the end without Twitter.

Best Candidate for Hosting Next Year’s Oscars: Robert Downey Jr.  Oh please?

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0 thoughts on “Sixth Annual Monday Morning Oscars Wrap-Up”

  1. Luke Metheny (Live Action Short) was the highlight of the night for me… funny and sweet. And your proposal for RDJ hosting next year…. I second that!

  2. That Luke kid was adorable! I want him to win more stuff.
    James Franco's grandma sort of made my night. Especially with Mark Wahlberg mock taking off his shirt. I wish he had… mmmm…

  3. What did we do before Twitter? I got a whole evening back, went to bed on time and still found out who won in a year I could have cared less who won.

  4. I was bored out of my mind.

    Tragically this is my first Oscars without the aid of DVR, which made it all the more painful. I bailed after 1.5 hours.

    Anything with RDJ would be worth watching.

  5. if you ask me, there's something particularly funny about your wrap up this year! i laughed out loud thinking about everyone making the same jokes. funny jokes! certainly funnier than the show itself.

    ok. i admit that i'm an easy laugh. but you — and many others — had me rolling on oscar night. you all saved the show, with only a handful of jokes. 🙂 and this post has me chuckling again. so thank you for coming through again this year!

  6. I especially like your comments about Nicole Kidman (still insipid) and Mila What's her name. As to the later, after I saw her the fourth or fifth time I think it was some kind of bra extension – one of the few things which held my attention all evening. I did love Natalie Portman's acceptance; it was genuine and sweet. But your comments summed it up perfectly.

  7. Well, maybe Twitter could host? Barring that, someone (probably on twitter, hell, maybe it was you? Yes, for the sake of argument, I'll say it was you. Unless it was that damn quippy Marinka)–anyway, let's get Tina Fey to WRITE the damn thing. And then have Sandra Bullock host. With maybe Robert Downey doing the occasional strip tease during the musical numbers? Just a thought. For your consideration.

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