About Me Contact Me Popular Posts Other Writing Press Put Me To Work

Proving my love.

4.23.2012

in funny to me at least,lovely love my family,my girls

I look back at early posts about my children, my feelings towards them, and it’s fascinating to see how a parent’s love evolves over time. You simply don’t love a 7-pound lump of drooling baby the same way you love a huggy 8-month old, or a hand-clutching toddler or a first grader who tells you you’re the best mom in the world.

I tell Thalia that she’ll feel differently when she’s 13 though she insists that’s impossible. So I’ve made her sign a contract that states I will never say ‘I hate you Mom’ when I turn 13.

She’ll break it, of course.

But when she does, and she hates me and is equally sure that I hate her, I wanted to have a list handy of a mere fraction of the things I’ve done to demonstrate my love for my children.

1. Stripped down nekkid with my feet up in stirrups for the viewing pleasure of total strangers.

2. Skipped spicy tuna rolls for an entire 40 weeks.

3. Skipped wine for an entire…well, 30-something weeks. Mostly.

4. Survived hormonal changes that had me crying at everything from David Bowie lyrics to a very pretty rock.

5. Watched my boobs grow from a C to a DDD to Holy Mother of Jeebus What the Heck Are Those Things?

6. Gave up coffee

7. Gave up 36 straight months of sleeping through the night.

8. Resumed coffee with a vengeance

9. Read Goodnight Gorilla 60,047 times. (It has THREE WORDS, people. Three words!)

10. Stuck my hands in someone else’s excrement purposefully and with minimal complaint.

11. Stopped saying “fuck” in front of you.

12. Okay, still said “fuck” in front of you. But learned to apologize for it immediately after. And don’t you say it either.

13. Pumped in the bathroom stall of an airport that I can smell in my nightmares to this day.

14. Spent more middle-of-the-night hours on Web MD worrying about you than you can possibly imagine.

15. Spent my very last $4.99 in the world one week on organic milk.

16. Slept on top of disembodied baby dolls arms

17. Slept on top of LEGOs.

18. Slept on top of magic markers with the caps off (which I didn’t discover until morning).

19. Devoted 13 consecutive weekends to children’s birthday parties.

20. Endured nightmares about talking toys.

21. Endured Elmo.

22. Endured Dora, the girl WHO TALKS AS IF THE WORLD IS WEARING HEARING AIDS.

23. Spent entire days engaged in dialogue like, “well who do you think is nicer, Funshine Bear or Tenderheart Bear?”

24. Smiled and nodded politely at competitmommies in the playground who had somehow assured themselves that the early date of their child’s first incoming tooth was some messianic omen.

25. Took the cupcake that the dog licked and let you have the other one.

26. Handed over an entire, precious closet shelf to boxes with labels like “glitter.”

27. Accepted the fact that my makeup, jewelry, and underwear drawer are no longer my own. And often will be found on your heads, at any given moment.

28. Gave up any hopes of ever seeing a movie in a theater that doesn’t have a talking animal in it.

29. Gave up any future fantasies of skydiving, hang-gliding, or space travel.

30. Learned to suck in my stomach permanently for life.

 

The thing is, my girls? I’d do any one of them again for you in a heartbeat. Although I beg you never to go back to diapers.

—-

Thanks Huffington Post for including this post in Parenthesis: The best of the parenting blogs. And with such good company!

65 shards of brilliance… read them below or add one

Fad April 23, 2012 at 7:19 am

I absolutely love the list!
I am laughing like a stupid in front of my computer and nodding at every single one, especially #27 – my 2 1/2yo opened my bag, took out my emergency panties and asked in front of my husbands friend: Mom why do you have a panties in your bag? you still pee in your pants?
She didnt stop there, she then took a tampon and asked if she could have the candy. Heaven is a pretty nice place, I know coz I died from shame that night

Reply

Michelle April 28, 2012 at 5:13 pm

Your comment made ME laugh out! I love it!

Reply

Tinne from Tantrums and Tomatoes April 23, 2012 at 7:33 am

Should I ever have to make such a contract I could copy the list word for word. But I would have to add:
31. Endured you yanking down my t-shirt at odd times (preferable when in a crowded supermarket) when you where one, just because you wanted to look at mommies boobs.
Tinne from Tantrums and Tomatoes recently posted..Nutella-banana croque Monsieur, its like having Daniel Craig and Hugh Jackman giving you backrubsMy Profile

Reply

Mom101 April 23, 2012 at 7:57 am

Yep, the boob flashing. How could I forget that?

Reply

Cloud April 23, 2012 at 10:04 am

Ha! Yes! Neither of my kids attached to a lovey. My oldest used my hair instead, and at the time I thought nothing could be worse. Until my second kid came along and decided to use my boob. She’s 2.5 years old, and still sticks her hand down my shirt when she’s upset and trying to calm down.
Cloud recently posted..Zenbit: Resistance is FutileMy Profile

Reply

Betty April 23, 2012 at 7:36 am

Too funny!
I just want to say that I have been to the movies three times in the last five years, my 16 month old pulled out a thong panty-liner from my purse while we waited for my oldest at Tae Kwon Do, and have eaten food off the floor as to not waste it. Sigh. But we love them!
Betty recently posted..Queen BMy Profile

Reply

Michelle April 23, 2012 at 7:59 am

Hilarious!! I wish I had this for my now 18 yr. old…but for me, I would’ve needed a list for 13, 14, 15, 16 and the first 6 months of 17. Thank goodness for College!!
Michelle recently posted..Travelling RitualMy Profile

Reply

Mom101 April 23, 2012 at 8:29 am

You can help me with those in a few years Michelle!

Reply

tracy@sellabitmum April 23, 2012 at 7:59 am

Oh you are a saint for giving up coffee. No way. Hilarious.
tracy@sellabitmum recently posted..Teaching Your Kids The Fine Art of StalkingMy Profile

Reply

Stephanie April 23, 2012 at 8:00 am

You are so right. Diapers are a love deal-breaker.

I had been feeling the need to tell my twin 4 year old boys that my job was to take care of them, but it was still work even though I didn’t leave every day like Daddy. Well, that backfired the day I started complaining about “how much I do for you and no one ever says thanks or ever stops asking for things”.

Their reply?

But Mommy, that’s your job.

Reply

Alison@Mama Wants This April 23, 2012 at 8:01 am

Hee hee!! BRILLIANT list.

I would add to mine:
Got peed on many times, and never complained.
Catch your vomit in my hands and did not flinch.
Have not been to the bathroom alone for over 2 years.
Alison@Mama Wants This recently posted..The Second TimeMy Profile

Reply

Korinthia Klein April 23, 2012 at 8:29 am

My list would include more vomit.
Korinthia Klein recently posted..The Value of Not Getting MadMy Profile

Reply

Motherhood Uncensored April 23, 2012 at 8:32 am

We just look for the balloon in Goodnight Gorilla because I figure if it doesn’t have words then technically they can read it to themselves.

Reading all this just makes me realize how completely clueless I was when I became a mom.

Forget what to expect when you’re expecting: Every mom should just read this.

Reply

Mom101 April 23, 2012 at 9:40 am

It might serve as birth control…

Reply

Selina April 23, 2012 at 8:47 am

LOL, what a brill list. The only thing missing is references to vomit, sounds as though you had it easy…lol
Selina recently posted..Great Guide On How To Remodel Your HouseMy Profile

Reply

Mom101 April 23, 2012 at 9:40 am

Oh yes, the smell of vomit that permeated our back car for years during the motion sickness phase. Thanks (sort of) for that awesome memory!

Reply

Rachel April 23, 2012 at 9:00 am

I am with you on the whole let well except – you are way better than me – I only cut down on coffee.
I may add to mine – broke my foot taking baby #2 to the pediatrician.
also – glad to know that I am not the only one that has to suck in my stomach….
Rachel recently posted..Losing your dad is just plain suck-ishMy Profile

Reply

Mom101 April 23, 2012 at 9:39 am

Not by a longshot, Rachel!

Reply

Alyssa S. April 23, 2012 at 9:02 am

Your list could be my list, less the wine, coffee and the bathroom incident but plus:
1. Played more games of hide and seek and Simon Says than I have since I was 6

2. Unretired the engraved bowling ball I swore would never see the light of day once the Air Force let us leave North Dakota
Alyssa S. recently posted..Underdog eats dirtMy Profile

Reply

Rebecca April 23, 2012 at 9:48 am

This rocks – for so many reasons, as others have mentioned – but truly, you have inspired me to write this up in a “tween friendly” format to be shared on iTwixie.com! I’m sure girls around the world may have a contract they’d like us to sign, too. Can you imagine!?!

Liz, you inspire us all. Thank you. The giggles were much needed and filled me with joy.

xo

Rebecca
Rebecca recently posted..Healthy Feet Help You Be Your Smartest!My Profile

Reply

Tracey April 23, 2012 at 9:53 am

Great list! Here’s another one: Let you crawl into my bed then knee, elbow, kick and head butt me without returning the favor. :)

Reply

Julie Marsh April 23, 2012 at 10:10 am

Now I’ve got the Violent Femmes in my head: “What do I have to do…to prove my love to you?”

All of the above, with only slight variations on the details.

Reply

Corey Feldman April 23, 2012 at 10:10 am

I have never said the F word in front of my kids but i did say of crap once which my oldest heard as crab. So occasionally when he is frustrated he will say Oh Crab!
Corey Feldman recently posted..Egret and the Starry NightMy Profile

Reply

Debi April 23, 2012 at 10:28 am

I’m not a mother yet and you got me all scared, lol :) But I know I would do everything for my babies, as well….
Debi recently posted..LPN Starting SalaryMy Profile

Reply

Mom101 April 23, 2012 at 10:30 am

The thing is Debi, it’s true what I said: the trade-offs are entirely worth it. It’s easy to understand a flabby stomach or a sleepless year; it’s very hard to convey the most incredible love you’ve ever felt in your life.

Reply

Cloud April 23, 2012 at 11:46 am

Yes! It is hard to explain the good parts without sounding like a sappy mother’s day card. I recently tried to give a flavor of it in a post: http://www.wandering-scientist.com/2012/02/something-lost-something-gained.html
Cloud recently posted..Zenbit: Resistance is FutileMy Profile

Reply

Liz April 23, 2012 at 10:47 am

I am in the throes of this with my almost 2 year old. Some day (this summer!!!) I will finish the Blurb book of his first year and I think I need to include my list while it is still very very fresh in my mind. I always emphasize the part in Goodnight Gorilla where the “mommy” says, “you go back to your own bed right now!” There is a lot of finger waving and embelishing on that point.

Reply

magpie April 23, 2012 at 10:54 am

Sweet.
magpie recently posted..Random PR FailsMy Profile

Reply

Sarah April 23, 2012 at 11:32 am

Your list cracked me up because I so totally identify with everything on it. I made a list when my oldest was two of all the bodily changes I had lovingly endured for her and so my list would also include: I’ve suffered “kid” sicknesses for you – oh yes, it was me who somehow got Hand, Foot, Mouth and pink-eye at the same time. I claim it was because I was trying to protect you so fiercely from the germs.
Sarah recently posted..Sunday ReadsMy Profile

Reply

Grown and Flown April 23, 2012 at 12:12 pm

Worried, worried, worried, beyond all reason. Worried in a way I never before ever imagined possible and then worried some more!

Reply

Amy April 23, 2012 at 12:32 pm

Awesome list..mine would also include the
suffering through the disgusting night sweats. Ugh!

Reply

Lisa April 23, 2012 at 12:44 pm

Goodnight Gorilla, too funny! And after all that, what was one of the first books that my son decided to “Give to another little boy”? Arrrrrrrgh!

Reply

Jaelithe April 23, 2012 at 1:29 pm

Yes, “Held you while you vomited in my hair” would definitely be on my list. As would “Regularly skipped my lunch break to feed you instead, in the corner of a cold and dirty stock room, under the disapproving glare of coworkers, after you outright refused to take any sort of bottle.” Also “Entirely gave up 90% of chocolate brands in solidarity after you developed a peanut allergy.”

But, really, the giving up coffee thing. That’s number one on my list. Damn, that was hard.
Jaelithe recently posted..Keep in ReachMy Profile

Reply

Raia April 23, 2012 at 1:37 pm

I’d add “willingly held out my hands for you to puke into.” I guess it’s better than cleaning the bed sheets (again). I remember thinking, this is true love, to hold out my cuped hands in front of your mouth to throw up into. Great post that reminded of the fierce love for my daughter, brought tears to my eyes! : )

Reply

Mom101 April 23, 2012 at 4:31 pm

I just laughed out loud at this one RAia!

Reply

Elizabeth April 23, 2012 at 3:35 pm

When I was in elementary school our neighbor’s son and his friend got bored and decided to cure their boredom by having sex. The girl consequently got pregnant. Shortly thereafter, my mom made me write and then sign a contract that said something like: “I promise that I am not the type of girl that will get bored and go out there and ‘do it’.”

True story.

I think she still has that contract.

Reply

Jen April 23, 2012 at 4:12 pm

Haha, fantastic list!

My list would need to include more bodily functions (such as, my son peeing on my foot, then proceeding to laugh hysterically and telling every random stranger for a least a week about it.)

I also love that I am not the only one traumatized by Dora the Explorer. I will most definitely have nightmares about her for the rest of my life.

Here’s another one for the list. I have put aside money from every single paycheck I’ve had since my kids were born for their college funds. Sadly, it took a little longer to start saving for my own retirement.

That’s love right there folks.

Reply

Jadzia@Toddlerisms April 23, 2012 at 4:35 pm

This made me cry, even though I have only gone five solid months without sleep. : (
Jadzia@Toddlerisms recently posted..Mommy’s Pteromerhanophobia Outweighs Her Desire to Encourage the Kids: A Scene From the Dinner TableMy Profile

Reply

Mom101 April 23, 2012 at 8:22 pm

I am living proof that you’ll survive. Not only survive, live to laugh about it.

Reply

Kami April 23, 2012 at 4:48 pm

Oh #9!!! Why DO they like Goodnight Gorilla so much? And I’d add “listened to myriad Yo Gabba Gabba songs everyday all the time to the point that I heard them in my sleep.”

Reply

Dawn @ thedalaimama April 23, 2012 at 4:51 pm

Held you close and caught your puke as you unleashed all hell all over me as we descended to our final destination. Yes, I sat covered in puke as everyone deplaned (we were in like row 100 or something) and told you lovingly that it was okay when you apologized.

Oh and who can forget the “I wiped your butt when you thought you were done pooping–you clearly were not.”

I often wake up with a neck ache and my pillow artfully balanced on my night stand as you take up more room than seems someone your size needs.

Kids–thank goodness they are cute :)
Dawn @ thedalaimama recently posted..Please Don’t Let Me Ever Be Single AgainMy Profile

Reply

Mom101 April 23, 2012 at 8:22 pm

There sure is a lot of puke in this thread.

I think I blocked it out!

Reply

Val B. April 23, 2012 at 9:59 pm

Yeah, somewhere in the definition of motherhood there has to be “runs toward, rather than away from, puking human being.” I was not prepared for that.

Reply

Mom101 April 24, 2012 at 11:09 am

Perfectly put.

Reply

Kelley April 23, 2012 at 9:37 pm

Happy to see that drawing of your mini-skirt wearing triangular-bustled bum again. Love that.

A great list. Thanks!
Kelley recently posted..Do You Hear the People Sing?My Profile

Reply

Mommy Mommy April 23, 2012 at 11:41 pm

How about the projectile poop all over my shirt at the pediatrician’s office when the youngest was 5 days old? Yeah. That was fun. You always have extra outfits for them…not so much for yourself.

***sigh***

Reply

Julie April 24, 2012 at 12:31 am

Beautiful, funny and true… #31. I let you walk around with my heart in your little hands since the day you were born and you take my breath away daily. We’re talking SURVIVAL mode here, mija.

She might still say it (I H&^% You”), but when you show her the list, a teeny bit of that loathing will be replaced by a more amused and empathetic, “My mom’s a score-keeping weirdo.” (Which, of course, I mean with the sincerest of respect, as I’m off to make my own said list.) :)

Reply

deborah l quinn April 24, 2012 at 6:14 am

mine have arrived at “I hate you,” which is brutal and I have to say that sometimes it’s on the tip of my tongue to say that the feeling is mutual. But I don’t say it, because I love them. My older son says something that hurts even worse, actually, and it’s YOU DON”T CARE. That one just kills me because, of course, I have a list like yours in my head of the 1, 353, 729.7 reasons that prove how much I DO care. Dammit. So maybe I’ll just print out this list, substitute block-head Caillou instead of Dora, add the facisti Thomas the Train, and sprinkle in a generous helping of the *(#$&#(*&% WIGGLES. I even took the kid to not one Wiggle concert, but two. harumph. don’t tell ME I don’t care.
deborah l quinn recently posted..Comment on a mall of contradictions by Nancy HorwichMy Profile

Reply

Paul S. Gumbinner April 24, 2012 at 10:26 am

When you were little we endured the Cookie Monster and Big Bird as well as all those same things which you went through. And want to know the truth? It gets better and better.

The best thing in the world is that you will endure forever. But one day your kids will hopefully become your best friends. And that makes it all worth while. I should know. It happened to me.

Reply

Mom101 April 24, 2012 at 11:08 am

No fair making me cry at work…

Reply

Marija April 24, 2012 at 1:37 pm

#1054 Change content of my everyday bag: make up replaced with cheerio bags, flashlight upgraded to full blown talking/lighting/blinking toy.
#1055 Skipped backpacking through Europe for my 30th birthday. Well, maybe not skipped, merely postponed (hope never dies)
#1056 Endured 2 x 6 months of severe morning sickness (morning? why morning? it is all day and all night)
#1057 Stopped caring what childless colleagues think when I leave early for nth time because of spring concert/ballet recital/karate make up lesson/dental app/pediatirican follow up…
#1058 Explained conception (in great detail, as requested) to 8 year old without breaking a sweat.
#1060 Gave up on TV during day
#1059 (consequence of above) Gave up on volume button on my TV: everything is watched on mute, with closed caption on.

Reply

Hillary April 24, 2012 at 1:40 pm

Priceless. And so comforting to know other people are sleeping on legos here and there …
Hillary recently posted..hillaryboucher: I’m listening to Consolation Prizes by Phoenix on Pandora http://t.co/dvlcAcRN
#pandoraMy Profile

Reply

Danielle April 24, 2012 at 8:03 pm

Beautiful, hilarious, and so VERY true.
Danielle recently posted..Our First Visit To Chuck E Cheese!My Profile

Reply

gabriela April 24, 2012 at 9:23 pm

Love this! The vomit would be big on my list as well. Also,

- wiped your butt infinite number of times.
-spent hours cooking well balanced meals for you, just to have you say you didn’t like it, BEFORE you even tasted it.
– got asked by you in public if I was pregnant because my tummy looked big (I wasn’t — and it wasn’t just one time).

And, so much more . . .

Reply

Meaghan @ Bambino Mom April 24, 2012 at 11:12 pm

New reader here. Just found you. And I think this is the start of a good I-read-you-all-the-time relationship. :-D

Reply

Mom101 April 25, 2012 at 6:49 am

Thanks Meaghan, welcome!

Reply

muddledmom April 25, 2012 at 8:37 am

Great list! And one that can be added onto daily. I find I do things for my kids I never thought I would do. But you’re right, I’d go through all of it again for them. Totally worth every tear, laugh, smile, and wince.
muddledmom recently posted..Not the Sound of MusicMy Profile

Reply

Karen April 26, 2012 at 1:03 pm

Diarrhea. All over the crib, dripping onto the (carpeted) floor, down the leg, up the back…..

Again in the tub.

I went through two pair of dish gloves and a large amount of bleach that day.

That one stands out among the crowd of “Had to clean up bodily fluids.”
Karen recently posted..Keep Music In. A Message From Girl Child’s SchoolMy Profile

Reply

Amanda April 26, 2012 at 10:33 pm

This feels like so many swabs of neosporin on a flaming red cut. The different chapters we’re all in, the camaraderie, commiseration and blatantly flip dish.

They’re gonna hate, but they’re gonna know. Beautiful.
Amanda recently posted..“Will she still be here?”My Profile

Reply

Noelle April 27, 2012 at 9:18 am

The line about Dora just made me spit my coffee out. Thank you for this funny post.

Reply

chris April 27, 2012 at 10:24 am

I laughed so hard reading this. It is so hilarious

Reply

John Exami April 29, 2012 at 6:48 am

I love everything on your list. All mothers are great. Thanks for the 5 minute laughter you gave me for Dora.

Reply

Molly April 29, 2012 at 4:30 pm

Yes to the hair (can I ever have short hair again?) and WHAT IS IT WITH DORA????

Reply

Carpool Goddess April 30, 2012 at 2:53 pm

Love your list! I’ll add: Catching your vomit in my hands so it wouldn’t land all over you while on an airplane (fyi, there was no bag in sight), crying to Christopher Cross’s Sailing (still embarrassing), and always sharing whatever is on my plate no matter how hungry I am or even if it’s my favorite, even if it’s chocolate.

Reply

angryworkingMom July 16, 2012 at 2:13 pm

This is brilliant, hilarious and so true! Especially not saying FUCK! I mean I really, really love a good curse word.

I think I may have her sign this today, before she hates me. Right now me and my 2 girls are 3 peas in a pod :)

Reply

Leave a Comment

CommentLuv badge

1 trackback

Previous post:

Next post: