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2012 GOP Candidacy Qualification Test

For this year’s GOP Candidacy Qualification Test, please number each item from 1-17, in order of threat to our great nation, with 1 being most threatening to our nation, and 17 being least threatening although still probably very very threatening.

__Feminists

__Gays

__Atheists

__Single mothers

__People who eat kale chips

__Prius owners

__Elitists that are not actual Presidential candidates

__Old people who want their social security, boo hoo hoo.

__Hollywood

__New York

__Science “believers”

__Parents who don’t allow their kids to own toy guns

__Liberal women who want everyone to have an abortion which is all of them

__Keith Olbermann

__Nova

__Immigrants who are not Sofia Vergara

__Humor

Thank you for your submission. Your answers will be evaluated and your qualifications for candidacy assessed shortly. God bless America, but only the God that we say is God, not some other one you might be thinking of which would automatically disqualify you anyway. And have a nice day.

 

{ 47 comments… add one }

  • Kelley 8.23.2012, 7:55 am

    This makes me laugh, but not in a funny haha way. In a funny uh-oh way.

    But also in a funny haha way, I suppose, because you mention kale chips. And Sofia Vergara.

  • Mom101 8.23.2012, 7:58 am

    Kale chips are always funny. Even to those of us who have eaten them. (I admit I betray my liberal sisters when I confess I really do prefer Mesquite BBQ Kettle Chips.)

    • Kelley 8.23.2012, 9:45 am

      Doritos 4ever.

      (Even if Kale Chips are the only green my oldest will eat.)

  • sashalyn 8.23.2012, 8:04 am

    It’s only funny because it’s true. It’s a good thing I’m laughing, because if I wasn’t, I’d be crying my eyes out. (Thanks for the giggles, Liz!)

  • Julie Marsh 8.23.2012, 8:28 am

    I never realized how threatening I am. I’m a monster, I tell you!

    • Mom101 8.23.2012, 8:56 am

      I could have told you that years ago.

  • kate 8.23.2012, 8:41 am

    Thanks for this! made my day! :) I happen to be a TRUE Science BELIEVER (aka scientist… maybe we should really call ourselves prophets??) and therefore extra dangerous.

  • Arnebya 8.23.2012, 8:57 am

    I would be unable to complete this test on the grounds that I cannot determine where to place the kale chips in relation to humor and science. (The curlier ones really do bake better).

  • Avitable 8.23.2012, 9:49 am

    THEY’RE ALL 1! I CAN’T DECIDE!

    Love this post.

  • Karen Dukess 8.23.2012, 10:08 am

    Love this! And I now think I have reached the tipping point — have read about Kale chips enough and am impressionable enough that I think I have no choice but to try making some. My boys may never forgive me, but I can’t resist…

  • tracy@sellabitmum 8.23.2012, 10:34 am

    Oh crap – must resist the Trader Joe’s Kale chips this week.

  • Joanna 8.23.2012, 11:24 am

    So great! This is exactly why I can’t relate to republicans. I used to consider myself “purple”, but lately the republican party is a joke. To bring a more serious factor in (sorry), I will say I think there needs to be changes to social security and medicare, but simply that those need to become needs-based. I am a CPA, with old, wealthy clients who earn hundreds of thousands in interest (much of it tax exempt), dividends, and other investments each year. They don’t need the 8K in social security each year. I am sorry, they just don’t. But obviously, it should be there if you need it. Taking out those who don’t need it, will help make sure it can be there for those who do.

    HOWEVER, I don’t think republicans want to do what I have outlined. Rich, old people are part of their base. Even democrats are terrified of them. No one wants to lost Florida.

    • Jen 8.23.2012, 3:02 pm

      OR take a (slightly smaller) %age out for social security, but out of all wages — no cap. OR use interest income etc. the same way that “earning too much” reduces your social security — let’s let any realized capital gains, dividends, interest over a threshold do the same.

      There are really quite a few not huge changes that would make big changes in social security solvency long-term.

  • Issa 8.23.2012, 11:48 am

    Immigrants who are not Sofia Vergara. Heh.

  • Marinka 8.23.2012, 12:00 pm

    They are all so super threatening, I wish there was a number higher than one to express it!

  • Korinthia 8.23.2012, 12:33 pm

    I never realized how scary I am. I’m surprised my conservative friends don’t scream when I walk into a room.

  • Has there EVER been a scary Prius owner? Other than that funny youtube about sneaking up on a muthaf**ker in their Prius, it’s pretty much the most nonthreatening car ever.

  • Audrey 8.23.2012, 2:37 pm

    Uh-oh. My most recent post is about me buying a Prius. I, clearly, am a huge threat. Thank goodness I have never eaten a kale chip.

  • Jen 8.23.2012, 3:03 pm

    I thought kale chips came with the Prius. Check back with the dealer.

    • Mom101 8.23.2012, 3:16 pm

      I did hear they’re replacing cup holders with chip bag holders. 2013 hopefully.

    • Audrey 8.23.2012, 4:19 pm

      Now you tell me! And just DAYS after the 30-day warranty expired. Dammit.

  • Kim Z 8.23.2012, 3:20 pm

    Nova! They should move that liberal propaganda (aka science) onto MSNBC where it belongs. Also, Romney will de-fund PBS, so it won’t be able to keep airing there anyway.

  • gabriela 8.23.2012, 9:08 pm

    You forgot Vaginas. I think that might be top of the list.

    • Kendra Canty 8.24.2012, 6:00 am

      Ha! And true.

    • Mom101 8.24.2012, 11:44 am

      They are threatening. It’s true.

  • Kelly Damian 8.23.2012, 11:52 pm

    This is really hilarious. Love it.

  • Kendra Canty 8.24.2012, 6:16 am

    Nailed it.

  • Portia 8.24.2012, 8:53 am

    I should be working right now but couldn’t resist. Hilarious. Execept it’s not really. The perfect way to kick off the RNC Conference in Tampa which I’ll be watching on TV while munching on kale chips and swigging my soy-milk smoothie.

    • Karen 8.24.2012, 10:21 am

      With your Prius parked in your garage, right?

  • Trish Sammer Johnston 8.24.2012, 9:08 am

    Science “believers.” Howling at that.

  • Guerrilla Mom 8.24.2012, 9:13 am

    Scary. Their definition of “elitist” has nothing to do with money or privilege, but education. Help.

    I’m a kale chip eating, science believing, elitist feminist who would never buy a toy gun – so I guess I’m the enemy.

    • Mom101 8.24.2012, 11:42 am

      I always thought so too. But now I realize elitist is just a term to disparage “not us” and try to reframe the GOP candidates as “more like you people.” Because if George Bush and the rest of the Kennebunkport clan are not elitists I don’t know who is.

      • Guerrilla Mom 8.24.2012, 2:05 pm

        I know – isn’t that crazy? How did the Republican party become the “party of the people?” Unbelievable.

  • Suzanne 8.24.2012, 9:20 am

    Honestly, I never thought our country would be moving backwards when it comes to women’s rights. And why are so many women actually supportive of a man’s “right” to make decisions for them? I am astounded and fearful. We have to keep up the good fight ladies for our right to watch Nova while eating Kale!

  • nic @mybottlesup 8.24.2012, 9:55 am

    i snorted so hard that my kale chip went down the wrong pipe.

  • Hillary 8.24.2012, 10:05 am

    Ha! Super funny.

  • Karen 8.24.2012, 10:32 am

    You know there’s a huge problem here when Ronald Reagan would be considered the biggest liberal in the room at the convention.

    Many years ago – 12+ – I read an article in a magazine – Time, maybe? about the zealous religious right taking over the Republican party and what it meant for America’s political system. It’s downright eerie how accurate their prediction was. It leaves reasonable Repubs (they do exist!) out in the cold.

  • Laura 8.24.2012, 5:00 pm

    If people in my town read this my political aspirations are totally screwed.
    Too funny.

  • deborah l quinn 8.24.2012, 8:26 pm

    If it weren’t so scary, it would be wildly funny. Since when did caring about the environment & the rights of those less privileged then ourselves become “elitist?” That’s some scary, scary thinking. I agree with Gabrielle, above, that what has been left off this list is VAGINAS. Kale eating, Prius driving, Keith Olbermann watching, non Sofia Vergara, hoochies. Scary scary scary, must be regulated at all costs (by which I mean, who cares about science, biology, actuality, logic, common sense, or demographics).
    Sigh.

  • Kathy V. 8.24.2012, 9:21 pm

    This is terrifying. Why? Why must you do these things to me before I go to bed? Now I’m going to have horrific nightmares in which Republicans turn A Handmaid’s Tale into reality. And also make all men have the same godawful haircut.

  • Magpie 8.24.2012, 9:39 pm

    I think the republicans hate me then. But, what do I do about my father?

    • Mom101 8.25.2012, 6:06 am

      Is he running for office?

      Most of the sensible republicans I know are no more happy about this list than you are.

  • Renee 8.29.2012, 12:42 am

    Sounds like somebody has been watching too much Newsroom. If I wasn’t so busy at work right now, I could come up with an equally ludicrous list for Democrat extreme left-wingers. (For example: Honey Boo Boo) In all seriousness, do you think that the country will get anywhere when 50% of people are mocking the other 50%? I, for one, would like to see a real, serious discussion about the issues – from both sides.

    • Mom101 8.29.2012, 9:53 am

      Not mocking anyone but the current crop of candidates. Is Honey Boo Boo one? Shit I’m so far behind on my reality TV.

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