Attention Facebook Weirdos: You are weird. And no, we’re not going out.


facebook dislike
Okay, I am not officially the last person to know about the “other” inbox on Facebook, so there’s that. Though I may officially be the only person who forgets about  it so frequently, that every time I notice it again I’m like hey…what’s that?

Other Inbox Amnesia. All things being equal, not the worst affliction ever as you know, if you have ever checked your own  other inbox.

The whole alternate inbox is a bizarre concept; the messages are rarely anyone you actually want to hear from. Actually, they’re rarely anyone you even know at all.

Not that it’s so heinous getting random propositions from men who can’t construct a proper sentence (Hello , i love your picture here, you are beautiful, i like to be your friend, Please send me a message girl). Or who live no less than 14,000 miles away and write in languages so unfamiliar they might not even be real languages at all. They could be writing gibberish in Greek type just to mess with me for all I know. Throw in some accent marks; work the authenticity.

Megosztás általam:Üdv Ibolya to you too, Dude.

It’s flattering to a certain degree, though I can’t fool myself into thinking that these messages are mine alone. Surely the requests for companionship and return emails have been cut and pasted so many times into so many Private Message boxes, the Control-X is worn off their keypads.

Now first of all, when did Facebook private messaging become the new You-Can’t-Opt-Out-Even-If-You-Wanted-To Online Dating Site? It’s like your friends signing you up on Match.com as a joke to attract weirdos. Liz enjoys pole dancing, biker bars, receiving photos of cute kittens by email, and cooking and cleaning for her man. 

Meanwhile, you can’t even get coffee with “Aleksander”  if you wanted to because, from the looks of his photos, he lives outside some Eastern European city where he is carried home unconscious from the local pub most nights.

Yesterday though I think I found the inbox proposition that fascinated me the most. It was from a guy who I could only describe as the 68 year-old lovechild of Bob Balaban and Tony Soprano.

Hold that image.

love child of bob balaban and tony soprano

And I really like Bob Balaban, so let’s say I’m being generous here.

He started his note:  “Hello, Pretty.”

Which…well, that’s like straight out of a Grimm Fairy Tale, right?

I click over to his page just see what his deal is, and his header photo is the ultimate in HARD-WORKING LADY BAIT: Portrait of a small girl about to be eaten by a Pit Bull.

pitbulls are not sexy

Truly, if there’s anything that says to a single mother, “date me! I’ll be a great influence for your girls!” it’s an old dude with an unrestrained deadly animal in his car and a taste for preschoolers.

(And pleeeease don’t start telling me how sweet Pit Bulls are and how they’re just misunderstood. Feel free to lock your own little girls in the car with one, but that won’t be happening around here any time soon. I freely admit to buying into the “evil Pit Bull” alarmist media narrative of the mid-90’s and there’s nothing you can do about it.)

Upon further investigation, this gentleman has 5 “friends”–all older and female. One is from Cyprus, one from Shropshire, and one from someplace in Alabama called Opelika. I’m sure they are all perfectly nice, but one of them does play a whole lot of Pet Rescue Saga.

The best part though has to be his page of likes. Now granted, mine would indicate that all I do all day long is listen to kindie rock bands and read 8000 blogs and like any pages or brands my friends ask me to like–which is partially true. However I’m not trying to paint a date-able portrait of myself  to potential fellas either. If I were, I might do a little better than this:

facebook likes

The collection is so enigmatic, I’m trying to construct a story about him from them. The best I can think of is “I’m not actually a person. I’m a collection of weird mismatched photos I stole off the internet, and some random pages I clicked on that seemed interesting. I don’t know what that fist one means because my native language is Latvian, but it does look like nice graphic design. Also, dogs and children together are cute and will attract some ladies.”

Or not.

Either way, I don’t think it’s going to work out between us. I do wish him luck with the lady from Alabama.

{27 Comments}

27 thoughts on “Attention Facebook Weirdos: You are weird. And no, we’re not going out.”

  1. I got an Other Inbox Come-On recently too. It was odd. The guy was just cruising profile pics and apparently something about mine “spoke” to him. Creeper.

    Ew.

    I wrote back: “No. Married. Happily.”

    All done.

  2. Well, I’m officially the last person to know about the other in box because I just learned about it here! And now I’m scared to look for it.

    That list of Likes brought a tear to my eye I laughed so hard! I needed that just now, so thanks.

    1. No…you’re just the most recent person to know about it. How’s that?

      He also likes a realtor somewhere in the middle of nowhere. So add that to the list. And he’s not Black either.

      1. Actually, “the other In Box” sounds like “the other white meat,” so maybe it makes sense that it’s all Spam.

        I once responded to someone’s post about Justin Bieber getting all slashed up with a Snopes report debunking the story, and now on my list of Likes is this horrible hoaxy picture of some guy’s slashed-up back. I’m bad at Facebook (meaning I don’t have the patience to learn how to use it properly) so I can’t get it to go away. I purposely Liked a bunch of other things to at least get it off the main page, but if anyone tries to figure me out based on that list I’m in trouble. (But I think I’m still doing better than this guy.)

    1. Oh. My. Bananas.

      I found “the other Inbox”

      There are unread messages from 2009! And one particular message from an old co-worker i contacted and i Thought never wrote me back. Ive been bitter about it ever since. She actually had responded- September of 2011!

      Wow. And yeah- i wont even get started on the creeper messages.

    2. Go into your message page. On the top left, see where it says “inbox?” next to it in grey it also says “other.” Click on that. Behold the magic!

  3. I get the BEST messages in my Other Inbox..this is my favorite: Hello Dear! I was really piqued by your profile. I just saw your profile and your charms captivated me, as a gentle man I had to stop by and say hi. Honestly I would be pleased if you allow me get to know you better, your hair is pretty and also your beauty is attractive. Am a positive man that looks beyond the outward appearance of a lady, looking for friend first, communication matters a lot in a relationship am keen on getting acquainted to know you better. I will be glad if you can find time out of no time to reply. I await you prompt response. James

    My beauty is attractive…WTH does that mean?

    1. Seems that Google translate needs to step up a bit/

      Meanwhile your hair is pretty, he is gentle and values communication. I say go for it!

  4. There’s something satisfying about being old enough to remember walking 5 miles each way in the snow to get to school and listening to Fibber McGee and Molly on the radio . The best part is that I can fake ignorance about this new fangled technology creep that changes every few days. Thanks for bringing me up to date in your hysterical way.

    And yes, I still love Willie Nelson.

  5. Thanks for pointing out the other inbox. As a Canadian I was thinking this was some Facebook feature we didn’t have, but shazam, there it was.

    Sadly, the best proposition I had was for dental tourism. Apparently I can have affordable dental care while enjoying a “beautiful holiday destination”. Can’t wait for a root canal on my next vacation!

  6. I’m very disappointed that I had absolutely NO propositions in the other inbox! And I work hard to have pretty hair and attractive beauty!

    1. You can have mine from my Facebook Other Inbox in March some year . . . go for it. He says he works at Platinum Builders. You’d think he could get it right . . . “I would . . . . don’t”

      Mark Jones
      Hi, I just viewed your profile and got interested.You are beautiful. I will like to know more about you if you dont mind

  7. When you send a message to someone who is not your friend, FB asks you to pay them $1 or it will go into the Other Box. I learned this when I found a couple of my early childhood BFFs. I thought “friending” them would be intrusive and they wouldn’t know my married name anyway. So I wrote nice little messages like, “Hi, remember me? Just wanted to touch base and I hope you are doing well.” All of the messages went into the ether. Which really sucks.

    Also, I am an antique collector and have found precious diaries of people still living, and on FB. I messaged them too, and of course, straight to Other Box. Boo. White pages went away with land lines, and there’s really no other public way to find people any more!

  8. Wow. I had no idea that even existed. I had a message from my daughter’s addict ex-boyfriend from hell apologizing for any problems he caused, back from 2012. But I have to admit, I’m a little disappointed that there was not one come-on from a stranger calling me “My Pretty”. Oh well. I’ll check it regularly now. You never know.

  9. Ok, I did not know about this either…here’s my favorite quote from the FB page of one of my “admirers” that must have the ladies lining up:

    Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?

  10. All this time I thought all of my old friends were just assholes! Lmao. I can’t believe I had this inbox for years and never knew.

    PS pretty hair and attractive beauty… yes!

  11. Well, I thought you seemed to be a relatively intelligent person, until I read your Pit Bull comment. Turns out you’re a cunt.

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