Those Babycenter weekly emails have gone from mildly helpful to flat-out inbox pollution. They ran out of things to say about my child’s development around week 32, and now I’m getting emails that are like, Today your baby is doing some stuff. Actually, he may or not be doing that stuff because all babies develop at different rates, but while we’ve got your attention, please click on this link to our store and buy something.

It’s hard to believe that their writers can’t think of one thing to say about a one year-old besides “you’ll love seeing your child’s growing sociability.” Oh really? I’ll love it? Thanks for the tip, because before you mentioned it, I was sort of expecting to keep her locked in the boiler room with only waterbugs for friends.

I get especially annoyed by the emails suggesting games you can play with your child. (Peekaboo? Genius!) They are rarely based on any sort of reality, at least as far as I can tell. Or maybe my daughter is the only one who’s not interested in “crawling over sofa bolsters” for fun.

You want to know what games your one year-old really likes to play? You’ve come to the right place.

Kick the Head
Players: 2-3
Rules: Lie in bed and kick mommy or daddy in the head.

Put Things In Your Mouth You Can Choke On
Players: 2
Game Pieces: Dice, pennies, ticket stubs, dog biscuits, cat litter, game pieces, paper clips.
Rules: Mommy goes and does something like wash dishes or read blogs. While her back is turned, you put something in your mouth from the dirty floor. She has to find out what it is before time runs out.

Poke the Dog
Players: 1 human, 1 skittish canine
Rules: When the dog goes to her “leave me alone” place, crawl right under there with her and poke her in the face. If you can get your whole fist in her ear before she turns into a quivering, wimpering mess, you win.

The Water Game
Players: 2
Game Pieces: Cup of water
Rule: Point towards a cup of water. Take a big sip. Then spit it at the adult who gave it to you. Repeat.

Shrieking
Players: The more the merrier
Rules: Go with your parents to a restaurant, preferably a small quiet one. Just as the food arrives, shriek as loud as you can. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

I Like To Put My Fingers in My Poo
Players: 2
Rules: While your diaper is being changed, reach down and stick your fingers in your own excrement. Then, make sure to touch everything around you as fast as you can.

PlayStation 2
Players: 1
Rules: When daddy leaves the Playstation controler on the floor, try and fit as much of it in your mouth as possible. Extra points if your excessive drool jams the controls for good.

What are the games you’ve played with your one year-old? Let’s have ’em. I smell a six-figure publishing deal with your name in the acknowledgments…

[to see the myriad genius responses to this question, please visit my ye olde time-y Mom101. One day my comments will import here. Sigh.]