I think it’s been fairly well established that my 4 year old is eminently quotable. This doesn’t make her special, per se–it makes her 4. But of course I am allowed to believe she’s funnier than most. Which she is.
And by the way, thank you for the kind accolades and comments on my girls’ Oscars fashion commentary. Now they’re drafting job application letters for E!, and demanding residuals when I use their image in a post, citing some sort of NY state law about minors and endorsements. Man.
Lat night, Thalia, Sage and I cuddled up in bed with some horrendous joke book for kids with “Awesome Jokes” in the title, hat Thalia got from lord-knows-where. The original publication date is 1992 which helps–in part–to describe the terrible, dated nature of most of the jokes. Although I’m pretty sure they were bad in 1992 too.
Q: Why is a son at college like an electrician?
A: Because both wire for money all night.
Chad: I’m home Hazel. You can serve the salad.
Hazel: How did you know we were having salad?
Chad: There’s no smell of burning.
Wah wah wahhhhhhh….
Evidently 1992 was a time in which boys liked sports and went to college and became carpenters and lawyers, girls cooked dinner for their boyfriends, everyone goes to Sunday school, and it was okay to call joke books awesome that are not awesome at all.
In any case, we spent the evening skipping around the book, me trying to find the jokes I think they’ll actually understand. Not just because they’re 4 and 6, but because it’s not the early Clinton years and they don’t know from Beach Boys and telephone booth references.
Me: Why did Mickey Mouse go into space?
Me: To see Pluto!
Thalia: That’s great! That’s the best one ever! I love that one!
Me: What has fingers and thumbs but no arms?
(long pause, serious contemplation ensues)
Sage: I know I know! An alligator! An alligator!
Sage: Yes, an alligator. It has no arms.
Me: No, the answer is a glove! Get it?
Sage: But what if the glove has arms?
Me: That’s true.
Me: Why did the elephant paint himself a lot of colors?
Me: So he could hide in a pack of M&Ms. Hm, that one’s terrible. Can elephants hide in a bag of M&Ms?
Thalia: I would hide in a bag of M&Ms. If I was a baby elephant.
Sage: I would hide in a bag of M&Ms if I was a baby elephant and I was with my grown up.
Me: If an egg is floating down the Hudson River, where does it come from?
Me: No…a hen.
Thalia: A hen! I get it.
Me: Sage, do you get it? Like a hen lays eggs. A mommy chicken.
Sage: But the hen could have been in Eggland.
Me: That’s true.
Sage: So the answer is Eggland.
Thalia: Mommy, I don’t understand this one..how do you keep a fish from smiling.
Thalia: Cut off its nose?
Me: I don’t understand that either…let me see…oh wait, it says how do you keep a fish from smelling. Not smiling.
Thalia: That makes more sense.
Me: Or scents! Get it? More scents?
Thalia: Not really.
Sage: Let me do one. Why did the chicken bock on his head?
Sage: Because he had to poop.
Me: I think you made that up.
Sage: No, it says that in the book! It’s in here. Because he had to poop.
Me: Can I see it?