I once appeared on a national television show talking about Elmo Sex. You know, when you plop your 18 month-old in front of Elmo so you can run in the bedroom for a little uh…adult time.

It’s the perfect scenario: You know you have a fixed amount of time, you know your kid is totally entertained, and you’ve even got that little 30 second warning in the end when the Elmo’s World song kicks in.

My kids have long since outgrown Elmo and so this weekend, we tried something new – Alice Sex. We figured a Disney classic is always good for an hour or so of good, quality child rearing.

That is, until your three year-old knocks on the door frantically to inform you that Daddy, Alice got BIG and she is GROWING and she is stuck in the HOLE and she is TOO BIG FOR THE HOLE!

So you stifle your giggles as you toss a towel around your waist and you “yes honey” her while you rush her back to the couch, begging her to watch for just three more minutes to see what happens. Because you know, it will be something really really good! So just you wait and see…for three minutes? Okay? Three minutes? Good girl.

Not 30 seconds later she runs back in (damn those sliding French doors) as we dive under the covers, and she stands there breathlessly with very important news.

Alice is now smaller!

There is an easy joke about the Eat Me sequence here, but I’m not going there.