I was totally going to blow this off this year but then Kristen had to go and ask me to do it again. What can I say, I’m a people pleaser. I love to please the people. Or, um…person. I’m a person pleaser. There ya go.
And with that, just a few of the awards I wish they had given last night.
Best opening number: The one that opened the show. Yes, that one. With Hugh Jackman. Uh-huh. It was great. It was funny. It was clever. And I will lose like 6% respect for you if you say otherwise.
Best impression of an ancient statue dug out from six thousand years of dust, covered in talcum powder then dumped in flour and a little more talcum powder: Tilda Swinton
Art imitating life award: Mickey Rourke, with lips the size of a large bass, coming back as a wrestler who comes back with lips the size of a large bass
Best acceptance speech: Dustin Lance Black winning best original screenplay for Milk and giving marriage equality a heartfelt, eloquent shoutout.
Okay, best acceptance speech for real this time: The one with Mr. Roboto in it. I was just kidding about Milk.
The Johnny Depp commemorative award for actor having earned enough critical acclaim that he can start dressing like a homeless person: Phillip Seymour Hoffman. No excuses about bad hair for acting roles. There are other hats, you know.
Best impression of Joaquin Phoenix thinking he was Andy Kaufman impersonating Bob Dylan channeling ZZ Top with a little Matisyahu thrown in: Ben Stiller
Most disappointing loss: Heath Ledger
The ooh lookie who’s blowing one of the Oscar producers award: Wall-E. Dude was in like every single montage, no matter what it was for. Best supporting actress? There’s Wall-E. Great movie musical moments? Wall-E. 2008 Death montage? Wall-E again.
The I’m happy just to be nominated – no really – award: Anne Hathaway who got to sit there and glow as Shirley McLaine sang her praises. That will last as long as some statue.
Big winner of the night: Twitter. Hands down.
The free shot award: Miley Cyrus presents it to you. Go ahead, take it. You’ve earned it.
