What is it exactly about my bed that makes it more comfortable to sleep on horizontally, Thalia? Because I’d really like to know. Is there some magic spot on the right side that better suits your head? Is there some special happy dream you can have only when your feet are hanging off the left side? Is there something the rest of us are missing here, the rest of us regular vertical bed-sleeping people? Because if we’ve all got it wrong all these years, sleeping the long way on the bed, I think you have the obligation to let us know.

And that whole part where you twist yourself around in the middle of the night until your feet are on my head – what’s with that? It’s hard enough that you will only sleep in my bed for the last six months or so, let alone making up your own rules and flipping around 180 degrees over the course of the night. That is, when you’re not crawling sleepily on top of me so you can fall back asleep face down, spread eagle on my chest.

So…anytime you feel like filling me in, just come find me. I’ll be the one with the circles under my eyes.