Do they give out awards for most boring award show of all time?

No?

Okay, then how about these…

Best Achievement in Special Effects: Lisa Rinna’s Lips

The Sofia Coppola in Godfather III Commemorative Award for Casting: Kimora Lee Simmons doing fashion commentary for E! Entertainment. What, they couldn’t get Cher?

Name Destined to Start Appearing On Baby-Naming Websites Today: Saoirise

Lifetime Achievement Award, Foreign: Nicole Kidman’s plastic surgeon.

Most Esoteric Segment – A cinematic tribute to periscopes and binoculars, which narrowly edged out the second place contender, a cinematic tribute to spectacles and pocket watches.

Best Costuming: Cameron Diaz, playing a high school girl with tan lines dressed for prom.

Most Uncomfortable if Not Quite Painful Sell-Out: Jerry Seinfeld presenting as an animated bee.

Best Preshow Adlib: Ryan Seacrest waving off the creepy, Jennifer Garner-groping Gary Busey with, “I’ll talk to you later…I’ll see you at, um, that party…um, you know the one…”

Last Person I’d Expect To Give an Award To: Ryan Seacrest

Best Oh No He Di-Int Moment: Jon Stewart on Norbit’s Best Makeup nomination, “Too often the Academy ignores films that are not good.”

Best Oh No She Di-Int Moment: Jennifer Hudson’s stylist

Best Candidates for Hosting Next Year’s Oscars: Seth Rogen and Jonah Hill

Best Impression of Weird, Aloof, Socially-Awkward, Brilliant, Tortured Artists Who Shouldn’t Change a Thing: Joel and Ethan Coen

Lifetime Achievement Award, U.S.: Sarah Larson.