I have spent a lot of time thinking about resolutions over the past few days and the conclusion I have come to is this:

New Year’s resolutions are stupid.

I mean seriously, can you think of a single worst day to start the so-called first day of the rest of your life? You’re tired, you’re possibly hungover, you’re cold. So maybe I vow to get in shape this year but meanwhile the only thing that’s going go to down easy after I wake up with throbbing temples and a mouthful of cotton is two Advil and a supersize order of McGreasy McCarbs.

(Mmmm…transfats.)

A whole nine hours into the new year and a trip to the scary drive-thru near the Tillary Street BQE on-ramp later and resolution number one is already shot to hell.

And then, as I look out the window and check out neighbors taking their annoying as all shit New Year’s Day jogs or heading to the gym for a cleansing New Year’s Day yoga class and some stinky tea, it’s not motivating in the least. All it really makes me want to do is bean them in heads with my McWrapper.

But really, it’s not that I don’t like resolutions as a concept, it’s that I’d rather take them on as I think of them, and not letting an arbitrarily created Roman calendar date determine the starting point. I quit smoking on December 26, 2001. I didn’t wait three days. I didn’t wait until the post-9/11 life in NYC got back to relative normalcy. I didn’t wait until I had a boyfriend or a plane trip or a family reunion. I just thought, now is good. And so it was.

Also, I prefer to start a new year on a more positive note, and in a way, I think that resolutions are simply a confession of all your weaknesses, although presented with a positive, self-help kind of a spin.

So instead I want to look back on what I did right this year and what I hope to continue doing well, and maybe even better. Like being a more patient parent than I ever thought possible. Prioritizing the people in my life who need or deserve my attention. Thinking twice before hitting the send button on a snarky email. Learning to be a better go-with-the-flow-er when the times demand it. Turning off the TV once in a while. Knowing that sometimes it’s okay to just chill, and not always be productive every waking moment of the day.

And of course, limiting the McGreasy McCarbs to either sick days, hangover days, seriously bad bad days, and maybe one free bonus day. Just for fun.